


Just Breathe

by thegreyreylo



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-05 14:47:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13390107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegreyreylo/pseuds/thegreyreylo
Summary: Kylo Ren and Rey have a lot to sort out after the events on Crait. Everything from their own personal relationships, to the relationships they have with the First Order and the Resistance.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I originally posted this story on Tumblr and after many people requesting, have decided to move it to AO3 as well. Please note that the earlier chapters were rough - this is my first fanfiction what so ever. I hope you enjoy it! Please feel free get in touch, I try to respond to everyone.

Beads of sweat ran down her forehead as she practiced in the red sun of this foreign planet. It had been several hours at this point, Finn head left to go check on Rose awhile back and Leia parted even earlier than that to attend to the remains of the Resistance. She sensed Poe watching her for a moment from the safety of the ship, but she wrote that off as curiosity. It had been two days since the bloody fight on Crait and Rey already knew she needed to get back to practicing. It was when she was absolutely certain she couldn’t go on any more when she felt the tug of the force.

 

“Not now, please” she managed to get out while being completely out of breath.

 

He remained motionless, a dark and towering figure that was just at the corner of her vision.

 

Hands on her knees, she tried to catch her breath and not look at him. She couldn’t do this right now. Everything had just fallen apart. The Resistance escaping was lucky at best, but so many people were dead. She couldn’t handle any more at the moment.

 

“Rey.”

 

“Please, don’t do this.” She whispered, her heart and head were so confused. She felt winded.

 

She could sense his frustration through the force. He was struggling, just as she was. But regardless, she couldn’t think about him right now. It had all been too much. She just needed a moment to herself, even though it had been several days since their last force bond as she boarded the Millennium Falcon.

 

Everything was quiet for a moment.

 

Caving, she turned to look at him and instead of seeing a frustrated and dark Sith Lord all she saw was Ben.

 

Wringing his gloved hands, he couldn’t seem to find anything to say to her. Part of her felt relief, she wouldn’t have anything else constantly lingering in her head. But the rest of her felt an ache that she didn’t understand. Before she could speak, before should could really breathe he nodded and looked away. His hair was untamed and his clothes were unchanged from last time she saw him kneeling before her.

 

“Ok.”

 

The bond shimmered and faded before she could change her mind. She breathed hard, trying desperately to catch her breath and calm her busy head.

 

* * *

 

 

Kylo sunk to his knees in the privacy of his own chamber.

 

He couldn’t believe that he had gotten to see her again. After seeing her board to Millennium Falcon, and her closing the door on him… He questioned deeply if the force bond would open again. His frustration was the primary emotion in this moment though.

 

He was so relieved to see her. _She’s absolutely fine. She’s even training! In a time like this, where she clearly must be on the run. Her dedication, her talent is all unmatched. If only she would let me help her…_ But that wasn’t the case. She wanted nothing to do with him. He had blown his chance and she wasn’t going to give him another. It was a whirl wind of emotions. He wanted nothing more than to yell at her for idiocy, but seeing her exhaustion had halted him. She didn’t trust him, and she was tired.

 

He understood though her mistrust. As fellow child cast offs, we didn’t warm to people easily and we didn’t need companionship. Even when hurt.

 

Squaring his shoulders, he decided he wouldn’t need her either.

 

 

Kylo never fathomed that he would see her so soon again.

 

Night had fallen, and he had been attempting to fall asleep while carefully trying to get an update on Rey. It went against everything he had resolved to do earlier this afternoon, but it was almost habit at this point. They had been bonded for several days, and his natural curiosity had him constantly investigating their bonding.

 

She laid with her back to him, perched on the other side of his bed. Curled tightly in a ball he could’ve easily scooped her up and placed her entirety on his torso. Reflexively, his hand reached towards her but he stopped it before he touched her. She had asked to be left alone, and he had decided he wouldn’t need her as well.

 

He should honor their wishes.

 

She had already her chance to be with him. Everything in his head told him to let it go. Focus on destroying her, destroying the past and move forward. Before he could will himself out of the bond, she startled and sprung to face him.

 

“Ben!” She gasped, grasping frantically to cover herself with the sheets. It was a mess of bare legs that her clearly borrowed white men’s shirt failed to conceal what so ever. He couldn’t look away. The borrowed shirt bothered him, a flame of jealous igniting, but he ignored it.

 

Sitting up ram rod straight in bed, he eyed her carefully.

 

She was flustered, her cheeks burning red but maintaining eye contact nevertheless. “Is this really an appropriate time?”

 

He couldn’t look away, as he watched her hair tumble around her face. He had never seen her hair down before. She was enchanting. “I didn’t plan this.” He whispered. All resolve was fading almost instantly.

 

Huffing, Rey pulled her sheet up to her chin. “I would really rather not do this right now.” Looking away, he finally noticed the wetness on her cheeks.

 

“Why are you crying?”

 

The words rushed out of him before he could stop it.

 

“Why do you think?!” She spat and immediately he could see the regret on her face. Biting her bottom lip hard, Rey turned her face away from him. He watched a fresh tear roll down her face and everything in him unraveled. Desperation boiled in him.

 

“Rey, look at me.” He commanded.

 

Instructing her to do anything was clearly the wrong move. She stiffened instantly. Ben swore mentally and decided he should try to back track. He had never tried to soothe a girl before, this was foreign.

 

“Please, Rey.” With a slightly softer tone, he tried to remember the way she called him Ben after their fight. In the chaos of that moment, her voice was enchanting and calling. It was comforting and so desirable. He wanted it.

 

Rey, lower lip trembling, slowly turned to look at him. She took a shaky breath and her tiny frame shuddered along with her lungs. “What do you want Ben?”

 

He couldn’t stop the words before they came out.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“For what?” Her eyes were burning with emotions that he couldn’t understand.

 

His hands trembled.

 

“For the forest. I shouldn’t have thrown you. I shouldn’t have taken you. I shouldn’t have tried to make you give me the map.” The words fell out rushed and crowded together, but it was unstoppable.

 

Surprise registered on her face, but only last a moment before a bitterness settled. “That’s what you choose to apologize for?”

 

“I am sorry, Rey.”

 

The sound of her name from his lips seemed to paralyze her for a moment. He decided to cease his opportunity.

 

“Rey, I am sorry. I’m sorry for this mess. I don’t agree with that you are doing, but I did mean what I said. You aren’t nothing to me.”

 

While his honesty left him far more exposed then he had planned, he had never lied to her and he wasn’t going to start today. She had left him, but that didn’t mean he had to leave her. He just couldn’t need her any more, for his own sake.

 

Rey was frozen for a moment, her eyes reeling from Ben’s omissions. She stuttered slightly, “B-Ben, that’s not what I’m upset about.”

 

_She’s not upset with me?_

He struggled to find a response, but before he could she spoke again.

 

“I thought I had saved you. I let you down Ben, I’m so sorry.”

 

She broke on the last word, sobbing quietly while desperately trying to keep her resolve. Tears poured openly.

 

It was completely instinctual what happened next. He couldn’t stop it if he wanted to.

 

Both of his hands reached out and he pulled her curled body across his bed and against his chest in a swift motion. Both arms clutching her tightly and one hand attempting to thumb away the flow of tears. For a moment she remained stiff and startled, but with her next breath she relaxed in to him. He could feel her warmth, the pressure of her shoulder against his sternum and the weight of her in his lap.

 

It was like she was really here and his own breath hitched.

 

“Rey.”

 

He spoke quietly, desperately trying to stop the crying. She wept loudly, the moisture beginning to soak his shirt.

 

“Rey, please.”

 

Ben’s attempts were fruitless. She was hurting and for once she could have her guard down.

 

She sputtered in between breaths, “I’m sorry Ben.”

 

And just like that, the bond broke and his arms were left empty. Once again.

 

* * *

 

 

Rey barely managed to catch herself from falling off the cot.

 

“Ben?!” She whispered, frantically looking around.

 

He was gone. The force bond had given out and she was alone again. A fresh wave of sobs came over her, and she attempted to stifle them for the sake of privacy. Stuffed in a small corner of Millennium Falcon, privacy was not a luxury they could afford. She was lucky to have the cot.

 

She was lucky to have Ben for a moment.

 

So many emotions rushed through her heart. He had been so kind to her, even when she did not deserve it. She was so frustrated, lost and confused about what she wanted. Did she want Ben? Did she want everything that came with Ben? Did she want to leave her friends behind?

 

Peering around the corner of her nook, she could just spot the face of a passed out Finn. Finn was her friend, and he deserved her protection just as much as Ben did.

 

_Ben deserves protection too._

This thought startled her, not only because it was true but because of how strongly she believed it. She tried to compose herself for a moment and reach out through the bond to him. It was like he had an almost closed door to her.

 

A flurry of equally confusing emotions poured from him, stemming from a sense of longing and frustration. Ben was just as broken as she was, but he had tried to help her.

 

Rey took several shaky breathes, trying desperately not to cry again.

 

Her heart missed him, even if she had only been with him for a moment.

 

* * *

 

 

He had almost had her, and their parting hurt just like it always had.

 

Dropping his head in to his hands, a grown of frustration built within him. He wanted her, in every sense of the word.

 

He struggled to catch his breath for the rest of the night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Rey, tell me where you are and I’ll come.” My head swirled. This wasn’t a First Order attack, we didn’t have a clue where they were and tracking the Millennium Falcon is the world’s biggest pain the ass. Someone was attacking her and who knew what they were capable of. The whole Resistance could go up in flames and I could’ve cared less, but Rey was not included in that. I felt an overwhelming urge to protect her from the world.
> 
> She didn’t need my protection when she had a light saber though, just training. But she didn’t have a light saber right now.
> 
> “Rey, I’ll come. Please, just tell me where you are.” I pressed urgently, my own hand had ignited my own light saber subconsciously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added Chapter 2 as well since it's fairly short - don't worry, the rest of the chapters are quite a bit longer. Let me know what you guys think! Especially if you were not an original reader!

There was a mundane nature to attempting to take over the galaxy. A constant swirl of meetings and commands in attempts to squash resistance and conquer new edges of the galaxy. As the new Supreme Leader, Kylo was practically stifled to boredom every day in my new duties. It wasn’t often they got a full out fight like the days prior.

But all of a sudden I felt the tug of the Force.

_Rey!_

I spun on spot trying to spot her in the crowded bay – there, by the edge of a table. She looked just as startled as he felt.

“Clear the room.” I commanded instantly.

General Hux raised an eye brow as he turned to look at me. I did not meet his gaze, but instead kept my eyes trained on observing Rey’s face. She looked so surprised and startled. It took a moment, but everyone filed out of the room. Including the pompous prick that was General Hux. Rey fumbled and dropped something, and looked around blankly before making eye contact again.

“Ben?” It came out as a whisper and he took an involuntary step forward.

“Yes, Rey?”

She looked around the room nervously, chewing her lip. I huffed, what was she so worried about? After last night there was no need for nervousness. She had cried on my chest; how much more intimate could you get?

“Ben, this isn’t a good time.” She whispered again.

“When is it a good time? I don’t control this.”

I was getting annoyed and my temper flared, did she really think I opened the bond to inconvenience her. Like I had any control over this? I was in the middle of a meeting right now. I took a deep breath and tried to steady myself before looking at her again, when I did I noticed the look of worry in her eye and took another involuntary step forward before catching my own body.

She fidgeted but he watched a resolve form on her face moments after. Her face was an open book.  “I’m about to go meet with your mother about the rebuilding of the resistance, so this is not a good time Ben.”

_Well, there went my emotional control._

“Of course, that’s clearly more important.” I spat, and turned to leave. A rush of emotions hit me but I blatantly ignored them as I started stalking out of the room.

“Wait, Ben! Jesus, that’s not what I meant.” I could hear her following me, but my pride ached and I didn’t want to stop walking away

That was until I felt a small hand touch the middle of his back.

“Ben, please.”

I couldn’t have kept walking if I wanted to. My self-control proved to be nothing against my own body’s instincts. Stopping instantly, I turned slowly towards her and my breath hitched when it became obvious how close together we were. It was clear she was surprised too, but I was comfortable with the lack of space. It felt natural, it felt right.

She looked so small and delicate, her eyes burning with emotions he could not decipher.

Rey took a deep breath, “This isn’t about who is or isn’t more important. This is about the survival of the Resistance.”

 

* * *

 

 

_He just looks so bloody intimidating all the time._

I watched carefully as he processed what I had said, and a strong crinkle of frustration form on his forehead. His bottom lip puckered as he processed some sort of emotion.

“It feels like it.” He grumbled, tearing his gaze away from me.

Ok, that stung a little but I shook it off. I reached for his hand, “Things could’ve been different.”

“Your right, you could’ve been here with me.”

_Ouch._

“You gave me an impossible choice.” I threw back, I could be pissy too.

He straightened up, and coldness washed over me from the force bond. “An easy choice, if you could see your potential.”

“I could say the same about you!”

In the corner of my eye I could see his clenched fist. For a brief moment I was grateful I was alone in the med bay, but before my temper could really run away the sound of blasters went off. My head snapped around. _What was that?_

“Ben, is there a First Order attack right now?” I felt paralyzed for a moment.

“What? No, there is no attack.” The bond slid straight open and a wave of confusion overcame me from Ben’s end.

If Ben didn’t know that the First Order was here, that meant one thing. _It wasn’t the First Order._

I bolted from the room, and down the hall while ripping the bacta patches from my arm. “What is going on Rey?!” Kylo was somehow managing to keep up from his end of the force bond.

“We are under attack!” I spat as I rounded a corner and saw several of our Resistance members unleashing fire at several darkly cloaked figures who returned it like wise. _Now would be a nice time to have a light saber._ I was going to need a plan B.

* * *

 

_Rey is under attack and she doesn’t even have a light saber._

“Rey, tell me where you are and I’ll come.” My head swirled. This wasn’t a First Order attack, we didn’t have a clue where they were and tracking the Millennium Falcon is the world’s biggest pain the ass. Someone was attacking her and who knew what they were capable of. The whole Resistance could go up in flames and I could’ve cared less, but Rey was not included in that. I felt an overwhelming urge to protect her from the world.

She didn’t need my protection when she had a light saber though, just training. But she didn’t have a light saber right now.

“Rey, I’ll come. Please, just tell me where you are.” I pressed urgently, my own hand had ignited my own light saber subconsciously.

She was frozen for a minute, her hair falling in bits and pieces around her face. It was like a light bulb went off, and life sprang to her face. “I’ve got this Ben!”

She took off around a corner and the bond crackled to an end.

A guttural noise of frustration rose from me, and my rage flowed from my core unfiltered. The conference bay was destroyed in moments, and I sank to my knees in the ruins. Rey was out there, unprotected and I could not do a damn thing to help.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He clearly had just been woken up by the force bond. His hair was tousled, eyes bleary and face had the light impression of sheets. But his own white tunic was virtually useless at protecting his modesty. He wore grey ribbed leggings and wool socks.
> 
> “Shoot, Ben this is not – ugh, I didn’t mean to! Please, can you just-” My face burned. I looked around frantically for a blanket or some sort of material to cover myself with.
> 
> It took him a moment, the cogs in his brain clearly struggling to process my panic. He cleared his throat and pointedly tried to look away when he registered why I was so flustered. “I see, uh, this is a bad time?”

The scene after the madness was eerie. Several cloaked figures had descended from the woods of the unknown planet we were seeking shelter on and launched an attack on the Millennium Falcon. Thinking quickly, I had activated the **guns** of the ship and they retreated almost immediately. A stillness fell over our camp, with the few remaining members of the resistance holding formation still. Two people doubled over with blaster wounds.

 

“Who the hell was that?”

 

Poe, naturally was the first to break the ice.

 

Leia, still wounded and recovering slowly emerged from the med bay towards the ramp of the ship.

 

“Natives I’m assuming. We should seek shelter elsewhere. Everyone, prepare to disembark.” She spoke with exhaustion lingering in her every breath.

 

Adrenaline still coursed through my veins, but Ben slipped back in to the forefront of my mind. _Oh hell. How am I going to let him know everything’s ok?_ This force bond thing was turning out to be quite the burden. He seemed irrational when we had spoken. Who knows what he would do if he was being unreasonable.

 

I returned to the small lounge of the Millennium Falcon. I had yet to be assigned a task or post in the Resistance, so it was the understanding that I should just get out of the way. It felt wrong not helping, but even with decimated numbers the Resistance was a well-oiled machine. Anyone could see that.

 

Sitting cross legged, I decided to try to see if I could get a read on Ben through the force bond. I had never tried to bridge the gap, or even contact him before. The force seemed to pick its own time to bond us. It was easy to be suspicious that Ben had been trying to work explore the bond, several times I had felt little feathers on my mind of emotions that were not my own. Often worry and interest, but occasionally annoyance would make an appearance. Most of the time, I just wanted to ignore him.

 

I was still hurting.

 

Clearing my mind was difficult, but eventually I seemed to find a string of emotions that were not my own.

 

Sheer panic.

 

* * *

 

 

“Bloody impulsive desert rat scavenger - “

 

_Ben?_

I slammed my rapid pacing to a halt.

 

“Rey?!” Spinning in a circle, trying desperately to find her. She wasn’t here. But then how could I hear her?

 

It felt like a whisper in my ear.

 

_“I’m fine, ok?”_

“How are you doing this?” A feeling of adrenaline washed over that was not my own.

 

She whispered again, “ _I’m not sure how. But don’t worry, everything is ok. I don’t think I can keep this up though-“_

Just like that, I was alone in my own mind. I took a deep breath and tried to steady myself. The room was destroyed, but Rey was ok. Foolish desert rat, running off to fight without a weapon. Unarming my light saber, I stalked out from the room.

 

General Hux spotted me first, “Supreme Leader – “

 

I cut him off, “Have this room repaired. I’m retiring for the evening.”

 

“Sir, it’s only – “

 

“I will not have my orders questioned.” I snarled.

 

Not a word was spoken again as I left the hall immediately and returned to my private chambers. My legs gave out as soon as I neared my bed. Exhaustion challenged my frustration over Rey for dominance. If Rey was fine, I could afford to try to rest.

 

I had a feeling I was going to be perpetually tired trying to keep up with her.

 

* * *

 

 

I woke with a startle as the Millennium Falcon jumped to light speed.

 

All of a sudden my little corner was a lot more crowded. Finn and Rose had squeezed in to my right and were keeping up an easy conversation, while Poe lounged in one of the only chairs available looking thoroughly underwhelmed and slightly annoyed. General Leia was in deep discussion with several of the Lieutenants. I seemed to have woken up in a full blown meeting.

 

“What’s going on?” I elbowed Finn.

 

“Oh hey, your awake!” Giving me an easy smile. Everything was easy with Finn. “General Leia has a plan to go back to Canto Bight and try to reconnect with old Allies.”

 

Rose promptly added, “She wants to send you in undercover as a princess to recruit to the high rolling tables. Personally, I hate that place. I’m also fairly certain it’s pretty trashed right now”

 

“Wait, what?”

 

Confused was an understatement. “I’m going to look like a princess?”

 

Apparently I said this louder than expected, because the room fell quiet for a moment.

 

“Yes, you will look like a princess.” General Leia answered me with a cool and confident tone. I was floored.

 

Poe huffed audibly, which drew General Leia’s attention. “Yes, Poe?”

 

“This seems risky. This plan only works if you are a convincing princess, and I just don’t know if you can do it in all honesty Rey.” Poe explained in the most causal tone, looking like he might actually die from boredom in the middle of Millennium Falcon.

 

I took offense to that.

 

“Hey, I take offense to that!”

 

“I don’t mean it like you aren’t pretty, you are just a little rough around – “

 

Before any of the other Resistance members could speak, Finn decided to take the bullet on this one. “Ok, everyone let’s just calm down. Let’s just take a minute. Having a princess is not the only way to get in to the high rolling room on Canto Bight, right? Rose and I managed to get in there without looking like we owned a planet. We can do without one, I’m sure?”

 

“How well did that work out for you?” Leia interjected abruptly. The room fell silent as she struggled to her feet, still weak from the battle that was just two days prior.

 

Rose was the only one with the spine to respond, “In all fairness, not the best. We would’ve lasted longer if we looked like we belonged.”

 

“Exactly Ms. Tico,” Leia nodding, “and royalty will not be denied entry from any floor in Canto Bight. If we are to get to my contact, we are going to need to blend in to say the least.”

 

A young female spoke, Lieutenant Connix, “Couldn’t you just take the lead on this one then, since you are Princess Leia?”

 

A small smile graced Leia’s exhausted expression, “Thank you, but no. I have far too big a bounty over my head at the moment. These people may be rich, but even they won’t pass up that sum of free money.”

 

She turned to face me, that small smile almost reaching her eyes as she spoke. “Rey is the best choice to send in as a Princess. She’ll be able to defend herself even without a weapon, and with a little work I’m sure she can look the part.”

 

Ok, I was mildly offended by this but General Leia wasn’t one you can just openly yell at. Glancing at my hands, dirt and sores covered every square inch from my constant practicing and the recent battle with Ben So—Forget it.

 

Leia seemed resolved after a careful eyeing me over. I couldn’t help but fidget, and feel like everyone in the room was looking at me. I would kill to be back on Jakku in this moment.

 

“I will decide escorts later on, but for now I need Rey, Ms. Tico and Lieutenant Connix to follow me. Meeting dismissed, back to your post everyone.” Her tone was clear and concise, not even Poe decided to linger.

 

We filed out of the room on the heels of the real princess, who happened not to be going far before stopping next to a storage area. “Rey, you are a powerful young woman. You can do this, but it’s going to require some work. Rose will help you. I’ve briefed her on the usual dressing procedures, do you have any questions Ms. Tico?” Whom immediately shook her head. Leia nodded once and turned to Lieutenant Connix, “I have some personal items we are going to be needing. They should be in this storage unit, but they are going to need some attending to and possible adjusting. Please handle that, and bring them to these two when you are done.”

 

 

I yelped and swore loudly at Rose who immediately apologized but didn’t stop. “I’m sorry, but when was the last time you actually brushed your hair?”

 

“It wasn’t a priority on Jakku, ok?” I grumbled back and bit my lip to brace for the next blow. Give me running in the dessert and fighting a Praetorian guard any day over this. Rose’s eye roll was practically audible.

 

“I’m going to go see if Lieutenant Connix is ready, I think I’ve done all we can without her. Don’t worry, the brush won’t be back… For a moment.” Giving me a small smile in the tiny mirror that we found before leaving the lounge area.

 

That’s when I felt the tug, and spun in my chair.

 

“Rey?”

 

My heart thumped for a moment, I was in nothing but a semi-long tunic and while I normally didn’t care how I looked… This was different.  I met his gaze and involuntarily shudder.

 

He clearly had just been woken up by the force bond. His hair was tousled, eyes bleary and face had the light impression of sheets. But his own white tunic was virtually useless at protecting his modesty. He wore grey ribbed leggings and wool socks.

 

“Shoot, Ben this is not – ugh, I didn’t mean to! Please, can you just-” My face burned. I looked around frantically for a blanket or some sort of material to cover myself with.

 

It took him a moment, the cogs in his brain clearly struggling to process my panic. He cleared his throat and pointedly tried to look away when he registered why I was so flustered. “I see, uh, this is a bad time?”

 

“Yes!”

 

_What was happening to me? I never used to get so damn flustered all the time._ My cheeks felt as hot as a light saber blade.

 

He must be peeking because all of a sudden, with a voice hitch he spoke, “Your hair is down, what is going on? I’ve never seen it down before…”

 

I made a non-committal noise and prayed for an early death.

 

Rose stumbled in to the room loudly, carrying several massive dresses that seemed too large for her tiny frame to carry.

 

“Oh Force, what are those?”

 

The horror must’ve been completely unmistakable on my face because all of a sudden Kylo was on his feet, light saber in hand but not armed. 

 

Rose grinned, a constant energy of cheeriness. “General Leia has decided to dress you in some of her family gowns. I’ll add makeup and rearrange your hair as needed. If you are going to look the part, you might as well have the real thing.”

 

Take me back to the Sinking Sands.

 

“You… you want me to wear one of Princess Leia’s dresses?” The words felt odd in my own mouth.

 

Ben was confused to say the least.

 

“What is going on Rey?”

 

“I believe she actually gave you some of her mothers, Padme. She seemed to think their color palette would complement your skin tone. May I suggest the one I wish you would try first?” The obvious excitement from Rose had me hold my tongue. I wanted to say, _Can I just have my split tunic and high boots back?_

 

But never less, “Ok, so they are Padme’s. You can have me wear which ever one you want, but could I have a moment with them first? Alone? I’ll call you in.”

 

If this request was odd to her, she didn’t show it. Just nodded and popped up from her chair, “I’ll go get the shoes!”

 

I forced a polite smile until she left the room, before finally looking back to Ben.

 

“You don’t get to know what is going on, and you most certainly can’t stay to see me change so…” I snapped, the stress of being turned in to some child’s personal doll was getting to me. I never would have fathomed being in this moment right now.

 

“Are you going to wear one of Padme’s dresses? My grandmother’s?” The curiosity burned in his voice.

 

I sighed, nodded and rolled my eyes in one motion.

 

For a split second, I could argue that I think I saw him smile.

 

“Ben! Seriously, this is embarrassing!” I huffed before remembering I should probably be quiet. “Listen, you got to get out of here. I’m not going to change in front of you, and I need to start trying stuff on.”

 

He pondered that for a moment, screwing his lips up for a moment before sitting cross legged on the floor. “If I don’t watch you change, may I stay?”

 

The gall this moronic Sith idiot has. “Why would you even want to stay?!” I tried to catch my volume, but failed to do so.

 

He looked down for a moment, “I’ve never seen them before. I’ve seen some of Leia’s but not my grandmother’s, she would’ve worn them when he was still Anakin.”

 

The brutal honesty and openness was so surprising my jaw dropped. I snapped it closed and looked away. How could he be so damn annoying and pushy, but somehow sentimental?

 

“Ok, fine. But if you peak once before I say you can look, I will personally stab you with this bloody hair brush. Deal?”

 

He nodded, taking one last glance at me before pressing his face in to his hands.

 

* * *

 

 

Not attempting to peek at the easily most stunning female creature in the entire galaxy as she undressed took large sums of my personal will power.

 

But I would sit here forever if I meant I got to listen to her bicker with someone else other than me.

 

“Ow! Rose, that was me you just stabbed!”

 

Whoever Rose was, I felt a brief moment of comradery. Rey yelling at you is a force to be reckoned with.

 

I had discovered that the calmer I remained, the steadier and strong the force bond became. It was a careful line of meditation and being present. Sitting here was not technically difficult, but the anticipation of seeing Rey in something other than her usual attire was tempting. I was curious that it was my grandmother’s gown, I genuinely had never seen any of them before as my mother –

 

I stopped myself as rage flared inside of me.

 

_Focus on something else. Focus on Rey._

 

“Is that it? Am I done?”

 

“No, I don’t want to see – Ok! Ok! Fine, I’ll look in the mirror.”

 

It was entirely quiet for a moment. My curiosity almost overwhelmed me, Rey hardly ever shut up and all of a sudden she was dead silent.

 

She spoke at almost a whisper, “Thank you, Rose. Could you please get me something to drink? I feel a little dizzy. Yes, I’m ok. Some water should help.”

 

She felt ill? A moment passed before she spoke. “You can look now, Ben.”

 

I couldn’t breathe when I opened my eyes. She was easily most beautiful being to ever live. A silver plated necklace held up layers and layers of the most tender fabric. Each inch of the dress hugged and floated at each of her incredible curves, teasing her womanly figure with such taste that it was undeniably sexy and enchanting in the same moment. Its golden top blended in to shades of blush and lavender before trailing behind her in a pool of colors. The thinnest gold ribbons laced around her foot and ankle, giving her several inches in height. Nervously chewing her lips, they were a shade of the loveliest rose that I could only imagine the silkiness of their texture. Her complexion glowed against the pastels and her hazel eyes glittered in anticipation. Her hair had been carefully pulled back from her face in a series of twists and knots to expose her stunning neck and bare toned back. She was the epitome of royalty.

 

I couldn’t find the words to speak.

 

She chewed her lip further, “I look ridiculous, I should change- “

 

“No.” It was a command.

 

“What?” Her voice wavered.

 

“Don’t change. You look… You look incredible.”

 

Silence.

 

I tried again, she was frozen in place. I couldn’t have looked away from her if I wanted to. My heart hammered in my chest, and in that moment I would’ve done anything she asked of me. You couldn’t say no to a goddess.

 

“Rey, you… No one could look more beautiful.”

 

These words hit home, and her cheeks flushed furiously.

 

“I-I don’t feel like myself. I don’t even think I can walk in these shoes.” She whispered, and I detected the first note of fear I’ve ever heard in her voice. It was involuntary but I crossed the room and offered her my hand.

 

“I’ll help you, Princess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are enjoying this for the first time/if it's a reread for you! I'm actually really enjoying rereading myself as I work on the new chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Where are you? I’m coming.”
> 
> Wait, what? Ben, we haven’t even talked through things-
> 
> “I told you that you were not alone. That was a promise. So what bloody planet are you on Scavenger?”

We hadn’t touched since the night he found me sobbing on an old cot.

 

I struggled to breathe for a moment, looking at the bare hand offered before me. Calluses covered his palm, and a burn marked the edge of his thumb. Glancing up to meet his gaze, his eyes burned with so many emotions I couldn’t place them. He had just called me a princess. I had no idea how to deal with this – _He_ was the royalty in this situation. I was a scavenger.

 

 

But if we are being completely honest, I might fall off my own shoes at the moment.

 

Nervous out of my mind, I carefully reached out and felt the solid pressure of his hand. I didn’t plan on feeling such a moment of release. His palm was warm, even through the force bond. The obvious calluses were not rough and gritty like I expected, but instead were strong and solid. His hand felt as solid as the ground.

 

I didn’t know how long the force bond would hold, or if I even trusted him to support my weight.

 

It was plain as day that he was still mad at me, and I him.

 

But I should probably practice walking.

 

“Ben?”

 

“Yes?” His voice was husky all of a sudden. I pulled my focus to his face finally and saw a man burning alive.

 

“What’s wrong?” Startled and worried.

 

* * *

 

 

_Oh Rey, nothing is wrong except I’m not actually with you while you look like a goddess._

It was subconscious what happened next.

 

I pulled her weight forward and up, quickly pulling her in to a twirl. The fabric of her dressing following easily in suit, creating a blur of colors at the edge of my vision. I could hardly look away from her face. It was something I had done a thousand times jokingly with my mom. She had taught me the importance of being able to twirl a girl, she called it the quickest way to make a woman feel beautiful. So many stumbles, accidental crashes and laughs rose from my memories. But right now, it wasn’t about that.

 

It was for Rey.

 

The surprise on her face was so pure and honest, but her balance was clearly not saving her from the spontaneity of the moment, so I reached out with my free hand and caught her at her waist. I could feel her warmth under my hand and tried desperately not to get carried away. She was mad at me as it is, I didn’t feel like getting shot at by a blaster again.

 

Granted, she could shoot me with whatever she wanted dressed like this.

 

She swore lightly under her breath, but never broke eye contact from the moment I caught her.

 

“Nothing is wrong, you look beautiful.”

 

She could’ve had a fever with the vivid color that rose in her cheeks. Every freckle on her face washed away in a shade of pink.  I almost smiled. “You dance?”

 

Smirking, “No, not exactly. But you should probably try to walk before your friend returns.”

 

She rolled her eyes, but chewed her bottom lip.

 

“Get moving scavenger.”

 

The glare could’ve been a blaster shot.

 

“I’ll catch you, okay?” Giving her a small nod, and begrudgingly removing my hand from her waist. Rey gave me the same look she gave me on the elevator going to Snoke; she trusted me. Emotions tore through my body but before I could even register it, she had attempt her first step and I had to catch her full weight by the waist.

 

It was like an infant animal trying to take its first steps – amusing but pathetic.

 

“Oof!” She huffed, and scrambled to get her heels under herself. At this point I was holding her entirety as she tried to right herself. I couldn’t help it.

 

I laughed.

 

She froze.

 

“Holy shit, you can laugh!” Rey exclaimed, spinning in my arms to try to get a glance at my face.

 

Stopping immediately, I rolled my eyes and put her on her feet myself. I carefully went back to holding her hand, braced to support her weight if needed. No need to comment on her ridiculousness.

 

She studied me for a moment, her eyes burning with curiosity. “Hey, Ben it was a joke…”

 

I nodded, “I’m aware. Are you ready to try again?”

 

Rey looked a bit confused, but took a step in her petite golden shoes. She made it about three steps before collapsing again in a wobbly mess. I snagged her again before she hit the floor. Once on her feet, I put myself a food in front of her with both hands in my own. Logistically I should be more supportive here. “So you can take down an entire Praetorian guard, but you can’t walk in heels Princess?”

 

The term caught her off guard, “Technically, I took down half a Praetorian guard Ben.”

 

All of a sudden she smiled and squeezed my hands. I stopped breathing.

 

_Could she possibly be a more enchanting human being?_

 

But in a split second, the moment broke like glass

 

* * *

 

 

“Who are you talking to?”

 

My stomach dropped like a tie-fighter shot out from the sky. Looking over Ben’s shoulder I could see Leia, Rose, Finn and Poe had entered the room. Leia had been the one to speak, a look of pure confusion on her face.

 

She heard me talking to Ben.

 

The blood drained from my face and I couldn’t speak.

 

“Did you say Ben?” Poe asked, concern and confusion plain as day.

 

“What’s going on?” Finn asked, looking squarely at my obviously grasped hands.

 

Rose was the only that did not speak as panic overwhelmed me. All of a sudden Ben increased the pressure on my hands, and I turned back to him. Ben’s dark eyes were confused and upon registering my emotions he became immediately worried. A crinkle forming on his forehead and his mouth pinching together as he went on the defense. The force bond began to crackle and fade – our mutual panic was shredding it to pieces.

 

_No!_

But that was it, he was gone.

 

I toddled forward from the loss of support, and barely caught myself against a nearby table. What have I gotten myself into. I hadn’t told a soul about the Force bond with Ben since getting back for obvious reasons. Primarily, I didn’t know how my friends would respond and I also didn’t want to hurt Leia. This wasn’t going to be easy to explain, but I wasn’t one to lie. I would tell them the truth, and so I did.

 

“I did say Ben.”

 

“Why?” Leia asked, stepping forward with her head tilted in confusion.

 

“Because I was talking to him, he was here.”

 

* * *

 

 

_I swear that force bonds are the most unreliable use of the force ever._

A snarl ripped out from within me, as I chucked the nearest object across the room. My hands lunged towards my light saber when I stopped myself. I needed to try to get back through the bond and find out what was going on. I couldn’t do that in a full rampage.

 

With a swear, I clambered on to my bed and tried to meditate. The calmer I was, the easier it was to maintain the bond.

 

But there was nothing.

 

It was like slamming my head against a wall, pointless and fruitless. Whatever was going on had Rey in a full panic, making her incredibly guarded and she had sealed off her mind. Knowingly, I couldn’t be sure but her emotions were the problem in the connection for once. Bloody hell.

 

Flinging myself flat upon the disgruntled sheets, I flipped through options. I had no choice but to wait until Rey calmed down to even so much as check in on her, but at this point I doubted I could go back to sleep. I had to be here for her if she needed me.

 

If I only was bloody with her, everything would be a lot simpler.

 

Correction; if only she had decided to be with me, everything would be a lot simpler.

 

Huffing, I chucked one last item and decided I needed a break from the ship. I knew where I needed to go, but I had no clue where she was. Dressing in a hurry, I descended out of my chambers in a trudge. My lieutenants were annoying me within moments. Ignoring them proved more difficult than expected.

 

“ENOUGH!”

 

Force freezing the half dozen servants in their step. “I am leaving the ship, reports will go to General Hux. Any large matters he will send to me. Leave.”

 

I did not release them until I had descended into the hanger.

 

I chose my usual command shuttle for this journey, ignoring the crew that scrambled to assemble behind me. I needed space, to do something to keep busy until Rey was available. As soon as I shot off to light speed, I checked in on her. It was still sealed tight.

 

Several hours passed before I felt the small bleed of emotions enter my mind that were not my own.

 

Devastation.

Rey!

 

Audibly gasping, I dropped the ship out of light speed and attempted to calm down enough to open the bond further. “Rey? Rey!”

 

I didn’t have to see her to know she was crying. Her emotions ravaged her mind, a flood of pure sadness and frustration. Isolation rang clear. “Rey! What’s going on? Are you hurt?”

 

She was surprised for a moment, and a broken whisper came through. _Ben?_

 

“Yes! Rey, I’m here. What happened?”

 

I didn’t know if I was even speaking out loud or just in my head. I was just grateful that she was back, regardless of what capacity it was in. She stifled a sob.

 

_I’m alone on the Millennium Falcon._

This didn’t make sense, wasn’t the entirety of the Resistance aboard the Millennium Falcon? Before I could ask, she spoke again with heart break in every syllable.

 

_Leia decided it was safest if I remained separate from the remains of the Resistance. Several of her lieutenants voiced concerns over you manipulating me. I was deemed a safety concern. They arranged for an ally to bring them another ship and they left a moment ago. Finn and Rose offered to stay behind, but I couldn’t do that to them. I couldn’t ask my friends to be cast off as well. They weren’t happy. I hardly know Rose, and she raised quite the fight. I agreed I will assist them, but from a distance._

These bloody, arrogant assholes.

 

“Where are you? I’m coming.”

 

_Wait, what? Ben, we haven’t even talked through things-_

“I told you that you were not alone. That was a promise. So what bloody planet are you on Scavenger?”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments so far, I'm loving getting to talk to you guys! At this point i'm uploading two chapters of this story a day until you guys are caught up. Let me know what you think!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We can’t seriously start this off by fighting.
> 
> “No, you are right. We shouldn’t fight.” He spoke, finally meeting my gaze. Surprise must’ve been written all over my face because he clarified, “Yeah, I heard that through the Force bond.”
> 
> “Oh.” What the hell was I supposed to say to that.
> 
> He smirked briefly, and with a trembling bare hand he carefully pulled a single strand of hair from my eyes and tucked it behind my ears.
> 
> “So Scavenger, what did you want to talk through?”

_Pushy, wannabe Sith lord, asshole –_

“No, Ben, you aren’t joining me.” This wasn’t a particularly a conversation she wanted to have while sitting alone on the Millennium Falcon. Her heart was broken in so many different ways, and the last thing she wanted to do was break it more. Of course she wanted him to be here, she had flown straight into his arms the moment she saw his future. But they wanted different things for the future of, well, essentially the galaxy.

 

_Rey, you are absolutely not sitting alone on a planet where you just got attacked –_

But most importantly, he was being an ass at the moment.

 

_-so you will tell me where the hell you are right now._

I snapped. “I _cannot_ deal with this right now, ok? I’ve told you no, the answer is no. So _stop!”_ His shock and disdain boiled in to my mind.

 

“Rey, I –”, anger flared from within me, it was like a taunt cord being cleanly cut with how fast the force bond snapped shut.

 

Huffing, I kicked off my boots and threw myself on to my cot. The silence of the ship stung for a moment. I guess I could have one of the triple bunks if I wanted, or even the one in the lounge, since no one else was on board. General Leia’s conflicted face would forever be burned in to my memory. One of the only admirable women I had met in my life seemed so disappointed in me. She loved her son, but she didn’t trust him. My isolation was my own choice this time after I heard the volley of insults the remains of the Resistance had for him.

 

_He’s manipulating you._

_He’s on the dark side._

_There is no saving him._

No one understood that he had a choice in who he was going to be. Ben had been there more for me in the last few days than anyone else had in my life. Chewie always had my back, but even he chose to go with the Resistance. Finn cared for me but it wasn’t enough to protect the both of us from isolation. It was clearly as long as I communicated with him that I needed to be on the outside, for the sake of the Resistance.

 

I felt disposable.

 

I felt like I was on Jakku.

Where nothing I said or did made a difference, I had expectations to meet and harsh punishments when I didn’t. Even in the Resistance, my choices just put me in to a box full of new expectations and duties to the cause.  Ben and I didn’t have choices, everything was made for us and the most we could do was control the collateral damage. We were both alone because they were told who we were going to be. Even now, being bonded to Kylo Ren essentially painted my future in the eyes of everyone. Oh, Finn had looked at me with caution in his eyes even though he stood next to me. He could’ve said everything in the world to make it feel like nothing had changed, but that caution never left his eyes. I was alone again.

 

But I didn’t have to be, Ben was willing to be here for me.

 

There was just so many things they needed to figure out. She did not want to rule the galaxy, she just wanted to stop the murders. His whole mentality was heart breaking. _Kill the past_.

 

Sighing, I carefully undressed and scrubbed the bits of makeup off my face. I didn’t need any reminders of what I had lost when I woke up in the morning. Tomorrow I would have to figure out where I was going to stay. Rose offered to send suggestions in the morning for some place centrally located. Tears brewed in my eyes and I just couldn’t handle any more today. I found a place, and lost it just as fast.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“How _dare she think she could-“_

Stopping mid-sentence in case she was somehow listening still. Her guards were clearly up but her agility at closing the bond was surprising.  I clearly had pissed Rey off and I wasn’t going to lie, she pissed me off too. She goes on and on about bloody being there for each other and when I offer to come to her immediate aid she refuses. I wanted to be with this bloody woman and she could care less.

 

Pacing around my ship seemed pointless and wasn’t getting rid of my desire to rip things to shreds.

 

I just needed to talk to her, so I guess I was at a point where I was just going to have to wait. She clearly wasn’t going to be pushed into seeing me, so I might as well just sit my ass my down and wait for her to come to her senses. Disappointment came over me. Every time I wanted something for Rey it was like I was proposing the worst idea in the world. I was disregarded and it ignited a rage unlike any other.

 

Flicking back to the moments before she rhetorically shut a door on me, again, I decided that maybe she didn’t like how commanding I had become. Authority is a natural attitude for me when I’m in a fight. I was fighting for her, but regardless it still came out. Rey was not one to bend to authority, she despised it which is something I fully related too. Maybe I just needed to give her space? Letting things go was not my forte in the slightest but it’s all I could do.

 

I could also try apologizing, but I was too exhausted to even think about that. How in the hell would I even do that? What would I even apologize for? Caring?

 

The co-pilot chair was in smoldering pieces by the time I calmed my mind.

 

I would apologize for pushing and commanding her. That’s all I could manage right now.

 

I considered going back to base, but it felt wrong. Even though there were far more things I could destroy, I needed space from the turmoil of the First Order. Briefly, I checked in with General Hux who gave me virtually no update. After another hour of pacing and checking the force bond to no avail, I decided to try to rest. Slouched in my cock pit chair, it was uncomfortable to say the least but at least I would be at the controls in case Rey got back to me.

 

Women were bloody complicated.

 

* * *

 

 

I had only been asleep for few hours when I woke up completely startled.

 

My instincts flared, feeling like I had an invader on my ship. I was saber-less, but I armed my blaster and carefully cleared each room and the perimeter. It was an all-clear and yet I was disappointed that there was no one there. Actually, that’s wrong. I was disappointed it wasn’t Ben, because my heart wanted and needed him here after everything that had just happened. I wanted him and my pride was getting in the way.

 

I took a steady breath and tried to think things through.

 

It was almost dawn by the time I settled on what I was going to ask Ben to do. I got to watch the sun rise for the first time over the lush green of a sprawling forest. A wave of peace fell over me, despite being absolutely terrified about what I was about to attempt.

 

The tug was clear and strong for once.

 

“Ben?”

 

Clearly he was asleep, his face void of the constant worry and conflict lines and a light snore rising from him. His hair was a genuine wreck and I had no idea how he slept like that without throwing his back out. I couldn’t help but smile, he looked human for once.

 

Crossing the room and kneeling down, I couldn’t help but trace the scar running along his face. Regret struck me hard in the gut, this beautiful man was forever maimed by my own hand and would have to see that jagged line for the rest of his life. At my touch he jolted awake, flying backwards a foot before his eyes adjusted.

 

“Ben! I’m sorry, it’s just me. I’m sorry.” I whispered, not having a clue where he was it was probably for the best to remain quiet.

 

His eyes dilated for a moment, and all of a sudden his whole body slumped with relaxation.

 

“Rey” he breathed.

 

* * *

 

 

This was easily the best way I’d ever been woken up in my life.

 

I started apologizing immediately for being an ass earlier, “Rey, I’m sorry that-“

 

“I’m sorry-“

 

We smiled at each other. Her entire face lit up and practically pounced on me as she tried to touch my face. “You smiled! You smiled for real Ben!”

 

I caught her hands and lowered them from my face, I might be completely obsessed with this girl but no one has touched my face… in well a long time. But I couldn’t ask myself to let go of her hands. In fact, I would’ve loved it if she would just climb in to my lap. Her smile didn’t fade at all, nor did the light she exuded. Huffing, “Yes, my face does contort in that shape.”

 

With a smirk she squeezed my hands, “Oh thank the Force.”

 

“Yeah, yeah.” Rolling my eyes, I was still reeling that she had let the bond open again. I decided if we were going to have another blow up fight, we might as well get to it so we can get it over with. “Rey, I’m sorry for being pushy-“

 

“Oh yes, you were absolutely pushy… But I shouldn’t have shut you out either.”

 

That was surprising. She didn’t give me a chance to reply before continuing.

 

“Ben, I want to physically see you. I’m not sure about the logistics, but we need to meet on a neutral planet. Possibly Ach-to? We have to talk through everything, and that’s probably going to be a mess but I don’t want to be alone-“

 

I couldn’t let her continue, “Send me the coordinates and I’ll be there as soon as possible. I’m already in my personal ship.”

 

She breathed, relief flooding every square inch of her face. She was beautiful.

 

“Are you sure? I mean, aren’t you running the First Order at this point? I don’t know how long I will be alone for, or even how long I’m asking you to stay.” Nervousness crept in to her voice and she began to break eye contact.

 

I squeezed her hands, “Irrelevant.”

 

A blush crept through her freckles, she nodded and released my hands to cross a room. She rummaged for a minute before asking for several various pieces of communication information from me. A message appeared on my ships dash.

 

Coordinates.

 

She trusted me enough to give me the coordinates to Ach-to. I didn’t know how to feel.

 

“I’ll see you there.” Rey whispered, a small smile on her face as the bond crackled away.

 

* * *

 

 

Being on Ach-too again was unsettling, especially now that Luke was gone.

 

I had only been landed for about an hour when I spotted a dark and foreboding ship approaching. Two porgs next to me squawked in fear and fluttered back to their cliff-side nests. Fear, nervousness, anxiety, excitement, longing, everything you could imagine ran like an electric current through me. Don’t get me wrong, I was absolutely still mad at Ben Solo for thinking he could command me to do anything.

 

I was still excited to actually see him.

 

Taking off, I jogged down the stairs to meet him on the beach. He had landed next to the Millennium Falcon. This was one long ass stair case, so I hadn’t even made it half way down when he carefully disembarked looking on guard as he looked around. The moment he spotted me, he straightened up and swallowed hard.

 

He was so damn tall.

 

Ben’s stride covered twice the ground as mine, and we met at the end of the stair case. His dark eyes glittered even with the blue and purple circles under them. His hair had been hastily patted in to shape and his tunic was clearly worn for several days. But none of that trumped the look of pure anxiety that crossed his face. He cleared his throat before speaking.

 

“Could you have picked a place with a smaller stair case?”

 

Relief washed over me and I couldn’t help but smile. “Probably, but it’s quiet here. It’s where the Jedi belong.”

 

His eyes dipped for a moment away from me, and he carefully scanned the beach front. “Is that so?” Ben’s voice was controlled, but guarded.

 

“That means you belong here.”

 

“Does it?”

 

_We can’t seriously start this off by fighting._

“No, you are right. We shouldn’t fight.” He spoke, finally meeting my gaze. Surprise must’ve been written all over my face because he clarified, “Yeah, I heard that through the Force bond.”

 

“Oh.” What the hell was I supposed to say to that.

 

He smirked briefly, and with a trembling bare hand he carefully pulled a single strand of hair from my eyes and tucked it behind my ears.

 

“So Scavenger, what did you want to talk through?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think! I might add a second chapter later tonight.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whispering across the force bond, I felt him breathe, “Goodnight, Rey. Thank you.”
> 
> I reached out myself. Everything was so much more simple through the force bond. “Thank you for what?”
> 
> “For forgiving me.”
> 
> “You apologized.”
> 
> “I’ve done plenty of things that are unforgivable, apology or not.”
> 
> This was too serious of a conversation to have right now. I was unsettled and lacking my usual bravery and gung-ho attitude. So I decided to instead give both us a little bit of peace for the night.
> 
> “I forgave you. Goodnight, Ben.”

It felt like peace between herself and Ben was continuously a sentence away but completely impossible.

 

“I don’t think murdering people from your past is the solution!”

 

“The past is nothing but pain and misery that’s keeping you from reaching your full potential.”

 

“Murder seems like a very quick way to destroy any type of potential, in my opinion!”

 

“So murdering the Praetorian guards stunted your growth as an individual?”

 

“That was different!”

 

“Of course it was.” He huffed and another series of pebbles at the water’s edge went flying. If he kept force raging, it was going to take me hours to put everything back later. I snagged as many as I could mid throw and returned them to their place in the sand. “Ben, I need you to _stop_ throwing things.”

 

The dramatics that ensued were truly ridiculous. Flashing a hard look at me, hair wild and messy, before he folded his arms and looked pointedly away. “So, using the force is wrong now too?”

 

The practically primitive snarl of frustration ripped from my own lips. “You are missing the whole point!”

 

In a millisecond, he had suddenly closed the three feet between us in one stride and was inches from my face. Voice low and controlled as he spoke, “What is the point Rey? Why did you want me here?”

 

It was like the world froze for a moment.

 

It came out in a whisper, “I wanted you here.”

 

His face softened and he took a shaky breath for a long moment with his eyes closed. Slowly and deliberately he raised both hands. His hands were so tender and smooth as he cradled my face with such a gentleness before lowering his own forehead to press softly against my own. Instinctually, my hands wrapped around his wrists and pulled myself closer to him. Shaky breathes came out of both us now.

 

Ben took a moment before speaking again, this time with such a quiet tone that I could barely hear it. “Can we just agree to disagree then? At least, for now?”

 

I considered this for a moment because I wasn’t the type to rug sweep things that were of conflict. Facing my problems head on was a forte of mine. But I wanted to be done fighting, the last few weeks had been nothing but fighting. Squeezing my eyes closed, “For now.”

 

I felt his intentions through the force bond before my mind genuinely registered what he was going to do now.

 

_No!-_

Ben carefully lowered himself to eye level before pressing his lips against mine. I stiffened instinctually as an upsurge of emotions rushed through my mind.  It only lasted the briefest of moments before the pressure disappeared. Opening my eyes, I saw red.

 

* * *

 

 

_Clearly, I screwed up. Bloody hell, my thighs are burning._

_“Rey?”_  Searching desperately for her with the force bond but the door was shut tight. To say I didn’t handle rejection well was probably true, but I wouldn’t let myself think of this as rejection. She didn’t look at me with pity and heart break as she did after the Praetorian guards. Her eyes burned with anger, like I had taken something from her. That I could feel guilty about.

 

I would have never imagined that I couldn’t keep up with her tiny frame, but she took those stairs at triple time and lost me by the umpteenth flight. Turning the corner, I seemed to have climbed my way in to a partially destroyed stone village. One small hut had either been recently destroyed and partially rebuilt, or this was one poor building plan.

 

Ok, so kissing her was maybe not the best idea.

 

_But it just felt so right._

 

“Rey?”

 

Turning a corner, I spotted the tiny shape of her with her back to the front door of one of the huts. She was curled up in a ball, legs tucked up against her chest and chin resting on her knee caps. _Oh Rey._

 

Approaching slowly, so she had plenty of time to spot me and tell me to screw off, before I carefully sat on the ground across from her. A good three feet separated us, but I had flash backs the last time she was on Ach-to.

 

The moment that I knew she was my future, whether or not she was willing to admit it.

 

I didn’t really know what to say, she wouldn’t look at me and kept her eyes trained on the ground. Her lower lip was probably going to need to see a med-droid at the rate she was chewing it. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Several minutes passed with me staring steadily at her face before she finally whispered.

 

“That was my first kiss, you’re an ass hole.”

 

_Oh fuck._

“Oh fuck.”

 

I had never once fathomed for a minute that this beautiful and powerful woman had never been kissed. While I myself had never been exactly intimate with a woman, I had still had my fair share of kisses when I was younger. How had no man kissed this magnificent woman before? I had been to every edge of the galaxy and she was a par above every female in existence. Granted, this meant FN-2187’s chances of dying at my hands dropped significantly.

 

She scoffed and buried her face in her hands.

 

“Rey, I’m sorry. I would’ve never –“

 

“Never what?”

 

Her head had snapped up and she looked at me with pure animosity, tempting me to screw this up further. I took a deep breath and decided it was probably time to grovel. Earlier I had been right, I had taken something from her that she didn’t offer up to me. I would never do this again to her.

 

“I would’ve never invaded your personal space in that way. That wasn’t fair and I shouldn’t have assumed anything.”

 

Rey’s face carefully softened and I began to see the hurt and worry rise into her expression. She studied me for a moment before speaking, “Thank you. For the apology. I wasn’t expecting that.”

 

That was confusing. I couldn’t help but to inch forward, closer to her, since she no longer looked like she could skin me alive with my own light saber. “You weren’t expecting an apology?”

 

Rolling her eyes, her whole frame began to relax a little before she spoke, “An apology from the all mighty Supreme Leader? Not a chance.”

 

“There is some things any man should always apologize for.”

Surprise etched her face and the tiniest smile began to grow. She didn’t speak again, but she gave a tiny nod before returning her eyes to the ground.

 

Now that neither one of us was screaming or about to cry, I felt secure enough to glance around at my surroundings. Darkness was beginning to fall and these odd shaped birds kept running past and squabbling with each other on the way to their nests. Nests that seem to be everywhere now that I’m paying attention. “What are these things?” I asked, while watching on trot past and trip flat on to its face before popping up and carrying on.

 

“Porgs!” My Rey was back, she had a huge smile on her face. “They are funny little things, Chewie made friends with a whole bunch of them. I have like a whole family of Porgs on the Millennium Falcon at the moment.”

 

Returning her smile, I watched at the same Porg proceeded to trip again on the way to his nest for the night. “They seem to be nesting for the night. Shall we do the same?”

 

“Oh!” Surprised, she began to look around as well. The sun was practically completely set at this point and darkness was falling. She went to scramble to her feet and instinctually I offered my hand to support her. I wouldn’t have offered it if I had thought at all about what had just happened. Assuming that she wanted or needed my physical touch had gotten us in to quite the mess, one I wasn’t very sure she had forgiven me for. She looked at it hard for a moment before gently placing her petite palm to mine and resting her weight on it to get up.

 

Relief washed over me.

 

I followed her in to suit and climbed to my own feet while she surveyed the disappearing sun.

 

* * *

 

 

_It is almost night._

No part of this afternoon had gone to plan. I honestly thought it would be me and Ben calmly talking through everything that had happened. But a full blown fight that ended with him kissing me? No, not at all. Don’t get me wrong, I had daydreamed for hours about kissing him. But never like this. Not in the midst of a fight.

 

No, I wanted to kiss him when he had chosen the right side of the fight.

 

When had chosen me in all honesty.

 

But I could think about this whole mess later. I could especially think of the Ben Solo lowering himself to the dirt of Ach-to just to apologize to me. A prince apologizing to a scavenger – Ok, I could really think about this later. Blushing, I began to brain storm what to do next.

 

“I guess we should find a place to stay the night.”

 

“Where did you use to sleep when you were here last?” Ben’s voice was deep and controlled, but I caught a hint of curiosity in his tone.

 

“Well, I slept outside this hut one night before I moved in to a spare hut. But it’s not exactly here anymore…” My cheeks burned warmer.

 

Ben glanced in the direction of the rocks remains of my old hut, but didn’t say a word about it. I decided to keep talking before he could formulate any questions. “I don’t feel comfortable staying in Luke’s hut here. There was only one other unlocked hut the last time I was here. What about your ship?”

 

“No bunks, just a cargo unit.”

 

“Oh ok, well the Millennium Falcon has several beds –“

 

I caught his stone cold expression.

 

“-which clearly still isn’t an option.”

 

At this point, my cheeks were boiling. Our only real option was to stay in the hut together tonight. There were several cots in there the last time I had poked my head in, so it wouldn’t be the galaxy’s most awkward thing but it was bound to be close to it. His voice was soft, “Are you comfortable sharing the spare hut?”

 

I glanced back to face him and was surprised to find him only several inches away. It seemed to surprise himself and he immediately shuffled back a few inches with a worried expression. Trying to be nonchalant and not just like the adult woman who had just cried over her first kiss, “Yeah, yeah of course. I’ll show you where it was.”

 

Ben followed several feet behind, careful to keep his distance now that I had recovered from my melt down. I edged the old creaky door open of the hut and was happy to see that no Porgs or natives had moved in. A random collection of old dusty furniture littered the circular space, but most importantly an assortment of various sized cots remained. I could spot one that I was sure could hold Ben’s massive frame relatively comfortably. “Will this do?” I asked, feeling almost timid.

 

“Of course.”

 

Carefully stepping around me, he made his way to the cot that I had noticed and began to strip off his outer garments. I decided that I might as well do the same and try to give him some privacy. I had already seen him without a shirt, but it was rude to stare. Managing to maintain a steady blush throughout this entire blood event, I found a cot a few from his that looked to be in relatively good shape and only mildly lumpy. A dusty blanket thrown across it reminded me, “Oh! Ben, it gets pretty cold at night around here so fair warning. Last time the blankets did barely anything to keep me warm, I ended up having to build a fire which this hut isn’t designed for.”

 

I glanced over my shoulder to see his bare back and snapped my face forward again. _Why must he always be naked?_ Only kicking off my boots, I shook out the blanket and crawled under it swiftly. I managed to do all of this while keeping my back to him, because _he was always naked._ I had only been settled for a moment before a sudden weight was being pressed upon me. Jumping before I registered that suddenly Ben was next to my bed, carefully spreading his cloak over my blanket.

 

“Wait, you don’t have to. Won’t you be cold?”

 

He looked at me hard for a moment, before taking one hand and with a feather light touch brushed my cheek with the tips of his fingers.

 

“I’ll be fine.”

 

His practically naked-self vanished into the darkness of the hut and I could hear his cot settle as he stretched out upon it. Whispering across the force bond, I felt him breathe, “ _Goodnight, Rey. Thank you.”_

I reached out myself. Everything was so much more simple through the force bond. “ _Thank you for what?_ ”

 

“ _For forgiving me.”_

_“You apologized.”_

_“I’ve done plenty of things that are unforgivable, apology or not.”_

This was too serious of a conversation to have right now. I was unsettled and lacking my usual bravery and gung-ho attitude. So I decided to instead give both us a little bit of peace for the night.

 

“ _I forgave you. Goodnight, Ben.”_

 

* * *

 

 

“Ben, Ben wake up!” A small hand grasped my shoulder firmly and shook. Startling, I sprung to sitting up position and nearly threw Rey off balance. My eyes adjusted almost instantly and I registered I was not only freezing but somehow covered in a cold sweat. Rey’s hair had shaken loose from her usual up do and fell in a wavy mess around her face. The only parts of her exposed was the one tiny hand and her porcelain face, as every other square inch was wrapped up neatly in my cloak for warmth. She trembled slightly, a look of worry panging her expression.

 

“What’s going on?” My voice croaked.

 

“I think you were having a nightmare, you were thrashing around and mumbling.” Chewing her lip, I couldn’t get over how damn worried she looked and how it made my heart struggle to work properly.

 

I couldn’t help but to shiver from the icy cold of the air and tried to rack my brain for what I had been dreaming of. The dream swarmed in my mind, and I knew instantly it was not dream at all. It was my last meeting with my father. Pain seared through my heart and my breath hitched.

 

“Ben?”

 

My hands clenched the feeble old blanket that was laying across my waist. Suddenly, I felt her small hand on my neck and I was suddenly able to breathe. “Ben, are you ok?”

 

I had never lied to her, but this was the most truthful I had ever been with her. I shook my head and trembled from the reality of the situation. _I had murdered my father._ Suddenly, Rey was everywhere.

 

In a split second, she had climbed in to my bed and cast my cloak over both of us for warmth. All before pushing her tiny body against my chest and hugging me fiercely. It was out of my control in how instantaneously my arms wrapped around her lower back and pulled her down with me as I laid back and buried my face in her shoulder.  It was the most reassuring feeling in the world having her body pressed to mine. “Just breathe. Everything is ok, just breathe alright?” She whispered, trying desperately to soothe me.

 

“But it’s not Rey-“

 

“It is Ben. Now just breathe and try to go to sleep? Everything will be better in the morning.” Her voice had some emotion in it that I couldn’t pin down. I loosened my hold around her waist and tried to readjust her so that I could see her face in the dimness. She refused to cooperate and shifted herself so that she had half of herself draped across my chest and her face was using my shoulder as a pillow.

 

I would be an idiot not to enjoy this.

 

Wrapping the arm closest to her around the small of her back again, I bravely let my other hand seek to find the fingers resting my chest. With a desperate tenderness, I laced my own scarred fingers with her delicate silk ones and took a deep breath. She didn’t pull away.

 

“Rey, I –“

 

“Ben, let’s try to go to sleep.”

 

_She was going to stay like this? With me?_

 

“Goodnight, Ben.”

 

“Goodnight, Rey.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe I actually just asked her to train with me.
> 
> How many times had I asked her at this point? To allow me to help mold her? How many times had she told me no in one way or another? I was truly dense to ask her after she had bravely told me about her conflict with me and agreed to try to curb her anger. I deserved no part of this girl.
> 
> “Sure, Ben.” The smile she gave me was brighter than any star I had ever seen.

_I had never slept so well in my life._  

 

Sharing a bed with a tiny, freezing, snoring girl who became a total bed hog from the moment she fell asleep was easily the best sleep of my life. She had elbowed me and drooled on me and snored loudly in my ear but it was perfection. Her face was completely smooth in her sleep, void of all the stress and worry that constantly seemed to plague her forehead in the form of a tiny crinkle between her eye brows. Her dark lashes cast the longest shadows across her delicate cheekbones and contrasted harshly with her fading tan. But nothing could trump the beauty of her flushed pink lips, slightly parted, that I wanted nothing more than to kiss again.

 

To kiss her awake the moment that she fell asleep in return for her gracing me with her presence. To kiss her so she knew how much she meant to me. To kiss her to show her how frustrated I was with her and her refusal to be by myself. To kiss her to let her know that she would never be alone again.

 

But that wouldn’t be fair to her; she needed to want it.

 

In the early hours I had woken up to the sound of what I assume is porgs squawking at one another. She was still fast asleep, face pressed in to my shoulder and fingers laced with my own.

 

_There is no way I’m waking her up._

 

Readjusting slightly, I focused on the pressure that her small body had against my own and tried to desperately rein in the desire to do more than sleep. Somehow, I must’ve fallen asleep again.

 

 

 

 

The light was streaming in at full force at this point in the morning through the small gaps in the rock structure of this little hut. Immediately everything felt wrong. It felt like waking up every other day.

 

I was alone in this empty cot, with my cloak carefully tucked around me and an absurd amount of space to myself.

 

“Rey?”

 

Glancing around the hut I could see her cot looking just as vacant and dusty as the rest of this aged space. Sitting up hastily, I stumbled over myself trying to get to my feet and to the wretched door. Yanking it open, I ignored the bitter cold of this desolate planet of green as I surveyed the area. “Rey?” I tried again, a little louder this time. She wasn’t in the microscopic stone village upon first glance and but on my third call out I noticed smoke rising from behind one of the huts.

 

Snagging my tunic from next to the cot and boots, I tugged on the shoes and jogged towards the smoke while trying to yank on my shirt. I came up behind her, sitting cross legged in the midst of thousands of scattered rocks and a peculiar aquatic animal being pit roasted over a cooking fire. Rey must’ve heard me, because she glanced over her shoulder and shot me a smile that made my knees buckle.

 

“Where is the fire?”

 

* * *

 

 

Ben looked like a hot mess.

 

His hair was truly a was disorderly at the kindest description, his shirt was crinkled and not properly tucked in what so ever and one shoe was untied. His eyes had this mildly wild expression that I hadn’t seen since we were back at in Snoke’s thrown room. Breathing heavily, he dropped next to me and huffed in response to my prodding while carefully folding his impressively long limbs to match my own. I would argue that I spotted an eye roll as well. A hot mess, but hot none the less.

 

The fact that I just thought that brought a burning blush to my cheeks.

 

We sat in silence for a moment before he spoke in a very even and controlled tone, “Did you sleep well?”

 

The burn I felt in my cheeks rivaled the heat coming off the roaring fire in front of me. Using the force, I rotated the fish and looked straight ahead. “I slept quite well,” and added after hard gulp, “and you?”

 

In fact, sleeping in Ben’s arms had been the most comfortable sleep I had ever had. I spent the vast majority of my life sleeping alone on rusty pop up cots or shredded seat cushions I had collected from ship remains. It was always cold. But pressed up against one of the largest humans I had ever met was nothing like the cold. His warmth was simply everywhere that I could reach and then some. Nothing could trump the sensation of his hands on my body though. One laced carefully through my own as he subconsciously rubbed a small soothing circle against the back of my hand and the other reflexively wrapping its digits around the small of my waist with such tender precision.

 

The weight of him was the most comforting feeling in the world.

 

Ben seemed to be waiting for me to make eye contact with him before speaking. Chewing my lip, I turned and tried to keep a neutral expression. He raised an eye brow, but spoke calmly with a smoldering look, “Last night was incredible.”

 

The blush burned its way to my cheeks.

 

The words tumbled out my mouth in a fumbling rushing, “Oh, that’s great and you know you slept away most of the morning and I got up at dawn and went fishing by the cliffs after my training session before building this fire. It’ll probably take a good hour or so to finish cooking and I need to return to the Millennium Falcon and check in with the Resistance because I said I would contact them every morning for a status update in case they needed my help because I can help them even if I’m not with them. Do you need to go to your own ship? I can’t imagine you don’t have things you need to do in the First Order since you are probably the one in charge at this point-“

 

“Yes, I do need to check in.” Interrupting me with a completely surprised expression and tiny smile on his face. It looked like he was possibly even trying to not smile at me and I suddenly registered how close he was to my own body.

 

“Great! Let’s go.” Popping up, I was on my feet with staff in hand and striding out of the camp in an instant when all of a sudden I was stopping in my tracks as I felt his hand close gently around my elbow.

 

Turning to face him, still on fire from the awkwardness of the situation he spoke quietly, “Can you wait for me? I would like to properly dress before I send in the orders for the day.” I couldn’t breathe for a moment; his face was composed but open for once. Ben wasn’t hiding from me anymore.

 

I could only nod, in which he carefully spoke, “Thank you, one moment.”

 

He vanished behind Luke’s hut in a few strides and I could breathe again.

 

_I need to settle down._

 

One moment, I wanted nothing more than to be on this planet with Ben and the next I can’t even bring myself to sit next to him without wanting to run. I kept running to him and running away from him. For a man who struggled with clearly expressing himself and had a short fuse from my understanding, this couldn’t be easy for him. I have no idea the amount of self-control he is practicing aright now, or even why he is. _Actually, I probably can guess why –_ I stopped that thought in its track.

 

Fiddling with my staff, I impatiently spun it while trying to settle my own irrational nervousness.

 

He appeared after a few minutes looking far more put together. Arm wraps on straight, tunic lying flat, boots actually tied and his hair straightened somewhat to the point where he was presentable. Still broody and intimidating from a distance, but as he closed the gap between the two of us and I noticed that he hadn’t bothered to grab his light saber. My heart thudded as my head tried to desperately process what that meant to me.

 

He trusted me.

 

“Are you ready to-“

 

Instincts ceased me and all of a sudden I was wrapping my arms around his waist and burrowing my face in to his chest. Ben froze for a moment, but all of a sudden I felt his arms wrap carefully around me with one gripping my shoulder and the other at my waist. “Rey?” He asked, confusion dripping into his tone.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“I’m confused.”

 

“I’m sorry, I don’t know how to do this –“, He pulled me slightly away from his body while keeping a hand at the small of my back and using the other to try to guide my face so he could look at me, “because I don’t how to do this. I’m so used to just moving on like nothing is wrong, but I’m mad at you. I’m also, well, a lot of other things but I don’t know how to talk to you. Be with you. I’m used to pulling everything together after chaos, but it just doesn’t feel fair to act like nothing is wrong.”

 

Ben’s eyebrows furrowed for a moment before he spoke, “I understand, but how about we just discuss our disagreements later? I’m not going to let you be alone because you aren’t ready to talk about this.”

 

I chewed that over in my mind for a moment. Maybe I could just enjoy not being alone for a moment, I didn’t have to discuss how upset I was with him yet. We both needed time to think things over, maybe? Maybe he would change his mind? Maybe I’m a fool for thinking anything will change? Sighing, I carefully returned to hugging him for a moment before untangling myself.

 

“Ok.”

 

“Ok?”

 

“Ok.”

 

He breathed deeply and gave me a genuine smile before carefully brushing my hair out of my face. “Lead the way then, Princess.”

 

Now I rolled my eyes, “I’m not in a dress.” I began to head towards the staircase towards the beach, thinking he would fall in behind, but he kept pace with me despite my usual speed.

 

“Doesn’t matter.”

 

Scoffing, “What do you mean it doesn’t matter?”

 

He grinned again, “It doesn’t matter. You don’t see yourself clearly.”

 

Snapping my head around, I elbowed him and snarked, “What does that mean?”

 

“Doesn’t matter.” _Oh clearly I wasn’t getting anywhere on this front._ Clamping my mouth shut, I skipped down a couple steps to get me ahead of his ego but he kept up again.

 

“Would you like to train after we finish with the ships and eating?”

 

Shocked, I glanced over my shoulder and noticed he had a nervous look on his face by the way he lightly chewed his bottom lip and tried to look casual.

 

* * *

 

 

_I can’t believe I actually just asked her to train with me._

 

How many times had I asked her at this point? To allow me to help mold her? How many times had she told me no in one way or another? I was truly dense to ask her after she had bravely told me about her conflict with me and agreed to try to curb her anger. I deserved no part of this girl.

 

“Sure, Ben.” The smile she gave me was brighter than any star I had ever seen.

 

Smiling back felt wrong, like it was being smug, but I couldn’t help it. While we casually remarked on the Porgs who seemed hell bent to get stomped on (“I’m fairly certain the little one is trying to get maimed”), it was far faster going down these stairs then up and we reached the beach quickly.

 

“I’ll meet you back at the fire when I’m done, Ben!” Cheerfully, before running head long up to the Millennium Falcon.

 

While the sight of that wretched ship brought a wave of raw emotions to the surface, the sight of Rey was so much more powerful. She was a spark of light, constantly, even against the darkest backdrop.

 

The moment I walked aboard my own ship, my mood began to deflate in large increments. It took several moments for the mundane lieutenant to inform me of the lack of progress the First Order has made on finding the Resistance and ask for new orders. By the end, I was in no mood to deal with idiotic clones when I had Rey as an option for company. General Hux had made virtually no real leads and seemed to avoiding reporting me. Normally this would be an excellent excuse to destroy the imp but today I had plans that I was keen to attend to. I handed off general orders and stalked off the ship as quickly as possible.

 

Going up the staircase alone stoked the fire of annoyance in my mood and I was practically morbid by the time I reached the cooking pit. Rey must still be at the Millennium Falcon, so instead I inspected the sea creature. Speared through one of it’s eight eyes, I had no idea what the three tailed could be or if it was even edible. How Rey had caught it was unknown to me and how she knew what it could possibly be was even bigger mystery.

 

I became antsy, _where was she?_ She couldn’t have left the island, right? She wouldn’t leave?

 

Carefully, I reached out through the bond and was practically startled when I felt her reaching right back.

 

_Ben? I’m on my way back up, sorry for taking a moment – hey, what are you doing?_

Fuck.

 

_Just checking in._

_I’ll be back in just a moment, on the last stair case now._

 

Breathing was suddenly easier, she would be here in a moment and it was like a weight had been lifted. My shoulder’s relaxed and I picked a spot in the sand where I could see her come over the hill. She had to be taking the stairs two at a time, because she emerged over the hill a moment later and jogged into view. Rey radiated light.

 

“Ready to eat?”

 

“What the hell is this thing?”

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We hiked in silence, occasionally offering one another a helping hand over the rougher bits of the hike. At one point I felt him quickly reach out and steady me at the waist when several rocks rolled from under my foot. I caught his elbow at another point when he slid. Thanks were not necessary; it was natural for us to support each other.
> 
> Reaching the cliff faster than I had when I had trailed Luke, I smiled at the memory of Luke’s surprising agility and eccentrics. Ben spoke, confused at the random pole standing in between the cliffs, “How is this fishing?”
> 
> “Like this.” Running, I did my best to mimic Luke’s motions and relied on the Force to properly snag the pole mid-air.  
> “Rey!”
> 
> Pure fear and worry rang across the force bond for a moment as he yelled and lunged after me, barely catching himself at the edge. Landing neatly on the other side, I glanced back at him and smiled. “I told you we were going fishing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I suck and I did not get to upload really at all yesterday, I'm uploading two chapters today!

In all honesty, the unknown fish wasn’t awful.

Rey had laughed openly at my obvious disgust when she explained how she had no idea but had seen Luke catch one the last time on Ach-to. Motioning to the large spear whole, she smiled again and said she would have to show me later today. Eating beside her was an interesting experience, because it was one of the most mundane acts two people could share and I was absolutely fascinated by her the whole time.

She would not leave a single piece of food on her dish, even if the aquatic animal was slightly slimly and far too salty for anyone’s palate, and ate viciously. Our portions barely dented the beast and her eyes became wide as she surveyed the remaining food.

“Do you want more?” I offered, curious about her odd behavior. Personally, I couldn’t see why anyone would want more.

“I’ve just never had this much food in front of me at a time.”

 _What did she mean?_ While this was a semi-large fish, it was nothing compared to my usual meal and meals often contained more than one food. Particularly not just one unappetizing food. I ate mine carefully and cautiously. I must’ve looked confused because she looked slightly uncomfortable for a moment before explaining.

“I normally just eat portions; this is a lot of food.”

“Portions?”

Sliding her finger along the inner edge of her bowl she wouldn’t make eye contact with me. “That’s how you are paid when you are a scavenger. There is a junk yard master who pays you in portion bread for the items you scavenge that day. I normally got between a quarter and half portion most days.”

“You only got a quarter to half portion of bread every day?”

She shrugged and smiled, but the smile did not meet her eyes. “I lived, clearly.”

A feeling of helplessness overcame me as it settled in that she lived on practically nothing for her entire life. That nothingness was bought by scavenging in the blazing Jakku dessert for broken engine pieces all day, only to have virtually nothing to eat at night. She was also completely alone, sold by drunks for a week’s worth of drinking money, and no doubt fighting for her right to survive. Yet, this gracious woman sat in front of me with a smile on her face because she lived.

I would never understand how she became someone with such an incredible attitude.

“I’m sorry, Re-“

“Don’t be.” Smiling widely at me before climbing to her feet, “You said you wanted to train? What did you have in mind? I don’t exactly have a light saber.”

 

* * *

 

“Focus, Rey. You have to focus.”

Furrowing my eye brows, I tried desperately to ignore Ben standing behind me but listen to him at the same time. My concentration wavered constantly because he was carefully watching me and giving instructions as we moved through a movement. My staff felt awkward in my hands for the first time in years, but I buckled down mentally and ran through the motions again.

“Better.”

Relief washed through me and I began to try to replicate the motions, barely making it a third of the way through before he spoke again, “You are thinking too hard, Rey.”

Huffing, I tossed the staff and flopped to the grass in frustration. The sun burned so bright that I squeezed my eyes closed and tried to disappear for a moment. My whole life had been a moment of frustration that I rose to meet and politely accept. I have no idea why I thought training, particularly with Ben, would be any different. Suddenly shade was cast over my vision and curiously I opened my eyes.

Looking up, Ben was crouched quietly next to me as he configured his position so that he blocked from the sun from my eyes. “Rey?” Worried leaked in to his voice and the corner of his eyes scrunched in concern. With the tiniest push of my mind, I felt him struggling through the force bond over the idea that he might have pushed me too hard.

“I’m fine, let’s go again.” Sitting up, I was surprised that he didn’t get up and instead remained frozen in worry. Inches from my face he kept eye contact with me as he carefully chewed his cheek. “Ben?”

Everything in me wanted to scoot away from him, I was never one to handle close quarters – well, until Ben.

I didn’t lean away, but instead watched him carefully. He seemed to be fumbling over what so say before he quietly breathed, “I suggest we end there today.”

“Wait, I can do this-“

“Let’s end there today, Rey.”

His resolved tone surprised me, but I said nothing and carefully clambered to my feet. I was not exactly sure what his problem was, but he was getting to be in a bit of a mood. Dusting off my hands, I snagged my staff and heard him carefully following me. “Would you like to go fishing, Ben?”

“Sure.”

We hiked in silence, occasionally offering one another a helping hand over the rougher bits of the hike. At one point I felt him quickly reach out and steady me at the waist when several rocks rolled from under my foot. I caught his elbow at another point when he slid. Thanks were not necessary; it was natural for us to support each other.

Reaching the cliff faster than I had when I had trailed Luke, I smiled at the memory of Luke’s surprising agility and eccentrics. Ben spoke, confused at the random pole standing in between the cliffs, “How is this fishing?”

“Like this.” Running, I did my best to mimic Luke’s motions and relied on the Force to properly snag the pole mid-air.

“Rey!”

Pure fear and worry rang across the force bond for a moment as he yelled and lunged after me, barely catching himself at the edge. Landing neatly on the other side, I glanced back at him and smiled. “I told you we were going fishing.”

Anger began to ooze from his body language.

_Whoops._

I decided it was probably better to get on with it. Carefully gripping the massive pole, I repeated Luke’s fishing strategy with the massive spear and struck on my first attempt. “Got one!”

Ben said nothing, but stewed with open hands. Hands I suspected were ready to force catch me at any moment. With a careful foot placement, and some force use myself, I carefully swung across. Not quite as tall as look, I couldn’t manage to get my feet underneath me in time but landed squarely on my knees. “See? It’s really actually quite fun-“

“Rey, was that necessary?”

Ben was crouched at my face again, worry and pissed were probably the best descriptors. I nodded and couldn’t help but smile, he had to be such a worrywart all the time. Rolling his eyes, he breathed deeply and seemed to relax slightly.

 

Suddenly, he sat up and offered his bare hand to me. Ben looked so different without his arm wraps, as he opted for just his quilted tunic vest during practice. Whether it was on purpose to show off his toned, strong arms or just to regulate temperature I couldn’t decide. _I didn’t exactly mind either way._ I decided not to push because I was genuinely exhausted and tired of trying to forget Ben was there. Carefully, I placed my hand in his and marveled for a moment on the grand size of it. Almost instinctively his fingers wrapped firmly around my own and braced to support me weight.

With the tightening of his fingers, I felt the tug of the force.

_If only if she would let me, I would never let her hand go –_

“Oh!” Surprised, the noise slipped out from me subconsciously. I was not one to be easily startled but the suddenness of our connection was as alarming as the first time. The force bond snapped shut.  His eyes widened, and he seemed to stumble over himself as he spoke, “Did you j-just hear that?”

A blush creeped into my cheeks, “Not really!” and I flashed a reassuring smile and glanced over at a nearby Porg who was rooting around in our discarded cloaks to keep my eyes off his face. His hand was still holding my own.  

The awkward moment was palpable.

“Hey Ben, do you want to-“

“Rey, please stop talking.”

_What?_

Snapping my eyes back to my face, I saw the face of a burning man. With his spare trembling hand, he cupped my face and pulled me closer to his own. Repeating quietly, with a controlled voice, “If only you would let me, I would never let your hand go. You would never be alone, and neither would I.”

Tears pooled in my eyes and a rush of emotions overcame me. One of the most sensitive, stubborn, kind and tempered man that I had ever met stood before me. He begged for my hand again and a part of my heart was suddenly awake. I _wanted_ to be with Ben, I wanted it selfishly. But I wanted what I saw when we touched during the force bond, I wanted him to turn and join the light. Let his heart fill with the light he gave me and never let go of his hand. He would never be alone again. My lip trembled and I knew if I spoke, I would sob in the way I should’ve instead of trying to take the lightsaber from him.

His thumb stroked my cheek as he waited for my response, my vision blurring from the tears.

 

* * *

 

Tears poured from her hazel eyes, and with each one I wanted to fall to my knees.

Her grace, her power, her beauty and her heart were all more powerful than anything I could ever be and in this moment they overwhelmed me. Rey’s face was like satin under my hand, which was so incredibly ironic due to the fact that she was easily one of the strongest people I had met in my life. The wait for her response was torturous. I had spent the day watching her strength and talent surpass anything I had ever imagined of her. Her agility and fluidness would only improve with training and her natural gift for wielding a hand held weapon was superior to anyone else I had ever witnessed. She stunned me constantly, she was meant to wield a light saber. She was meant to be with me.

Her own hand rose and gently traced the scar running down the length of my face before resting her palm against my cheek as well. “Ben, I-I can’t.”

Hurt. Pain. Anger. Loneliness.

It all stung and I squeezed my eyes and looked away from her. The emotions were too overwhelming to process. Suddenly, I felt her hand carefully stroke my cheek. Lightly at first, before gently increasing in pressure and trying to guide my face back to her own. No matter how frustrated I was with her, I was useless against her wishes. Her eyes met my own, but her tears seemed to have stopped falling.  

She seemed resolved and composed all of a sudden.

“Ben, I want the future I saw with you. You came to the light and embraced who you truly are, and I never had to leave your side because we belonged with each other. There was balance, balance to the universe, balance to the force, balance for us. You are worth every fight and argument and awkward moment because you deserve that future. So do I. I want you, I just can’t have you now.”

Time froze the moment.

_She wanted me. In some shape or form, she wanted me. This wasn’t one sided and I wasn’t alone in my feelings._

Only pure self-control kept me from sweeping her into my arms and kissing her till neither of us could breathe. But the moment shattered when I realized what exactly she wanted from me. She wanted me to repent the dark side completely, disregard my own vision of grandeur and the life I saw the two of us having. A king and queen, not quite dark but not light.

A grey king and queen.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Rey, no one leaves you and is unscathed. He will come back, regardless of what I want, but he said he would. I don’t think he’s ever lied to you.”
> 
> When I returned to the village, feeling mildly better knowing that Finn was the kindest of friends, several of the natives watched me. Stopping, I made eye contact with them and waited for them to make their point. To say I was still in an awful mood was an understatement. I didn’t understand their language, but it took several moments of watching them motion crudely that I understood what they were asking.
> 
> “Ben left. He’ll be back. One day.”

The words were barely a whisper when they came out.

“Rey, is that the only way? Is there no other option for us?”

My head hung, I searched her eyes looking for any hint of her resolve wavering. Being one with the dark didn’t work, I had seen that plainly enough under the teachings of Snoke. The dark side had not given me worth, nor did the light. The light did not protect me from the darkness. None of it worked, and it was time to let the past die. Let it all die. The Sith. The Jedi.

Let the past die.

Her lip quivered but her resolve did not, “Ben, there isn’t another way. This is it, you’ll turn. Just like I told you before we went to Snoke, I saw your future and when the moment is right you will turn.”

_She forgets I saw us too, we had a different destiny._

“The Jedi didn’t have it right. We need to let the past die.” My voice was calm, but my emotions were not as I struggled with the desire to scream. The sensation passed and was replaced with a sense of desperation. “Please, there is another way Rey…”

 

Her eyebrows furrowed and her lip stopped quivering, “What other way? I’m not interested-“

“We don’t have to be light or dark, Sith or Jedi.”

“Please, don’t do this.”  

“Let the past burn, let go. We can make a new future with a new way of understanding the Force where we can rule the galaxy with a sense of balance.” Anxiety leaked in to my voice as I tried not to remember the last time I offered her this opportunity. _I don’t know if she is ready yet._

She wasn’t ready.

Her hands disappeared and in a fluid motion she had put several feet between us with an incredulous look on her face. I let her go. She didn’t understand how this was our fate yet. We were meant to find a balance in the force and let go of the constant struggle to maintain one side over the other. We needed each other and we needed to compromise.

“Ben, this isn’t something we can compromise on.” Her teeth were gritted and I was surprised to see her fists clench.

Frustration rose within me and my temper flared in response to her anger, “This doesn’t have to be one dimensional-“

“This is the difference between right and wrong!”

“What about balance?”

Her eyes tightened and she grabbed her cloak and turned away in frustration. She was turning to leave me at the edge of this cliff and head back up the path. “Rey-“

She froze, but did not turn back to look at me. Bravely, I asked her, “Don’t I get a choice in who I want to be? Who I think we should be?”

Rey turned to face me, and I was surprised to see her eyes full of a passion that I did not understand. “Yes, your decision isn’t made. I told Luke that you hadn’t made your decision yet. But I got a choice too, but I truly hope this isn’t it.”

Quietly, she left and I did not follow. She couldn’t see that she was trying to make my decision for me as well? Couldn’t she understand that her decision wasn’t as plain as she thought it was? She had walked in the realm of darkness that last time she was on Ach-to and it had not left her untouched. She was no longer the girl from Jakku, dressed in white, and straight forward. Just as I would never be the boy who trusted his parents and Uncle.

We were grey. Light and darkness.

Staring up the path, my soul yearned for her to turn around and come back to me but nevertheless she was gone. My annoyance and disappointment reverberated from within me and several of the stone shards in the grass and massive fishing pole went flying. I was alone, as was she. We needed each other in ways that I wouldn’t even fathom trying to understand.

I needed to show her how we needed each other.

But I didn’t know if I could compromise in the way she wanted me too.

 

* * *

 

Walking away from Ben was like leaving a part of myself behind.

But I couldn’t stay and fight with him, I just couldn’t do this argument again. I had admitted how much I wanted him, how I daydreamed of our futures together and all he could say was how he wanted to let the Jedi die. Let everything die for us to be together. I just couldn’t accept that this was what he really wanted. Especially after everything.

I made it back to the village before I checked in on Ben and was startled to see that he was still at the cliff. His emotions were a whirl wind and incomprehensible with his stream of consciousness.

_I need it – But where could it be? I can only do this with it-_

Anxiety became his prominent feeling and the bond snapped shut from the pressure before I could apologize to him. I didn’t want to fight him anymore, I was exhausted and it felt meaningless to fight. I wouldn’t part from him, but I couldn’t be who he wanted me to be. Sitting next to the dwindling fire and the remainder of the fish, I watched the Porg families play in the tall grass and the island’s caretakers glare at me as they cleaned the rubble from my old hut. I would wait for Ben to return, and apologize to him then.  

Hours passed and I still waited.

It was dusk before I spotted Ben coming up the stair case from the beach. His shoulders were slouched and stride slow. Instinctively, I was on my feet with my heart thudding as relief washed over me. “Ben!”

His chin raised, and a depressed expression hung on his every feature. As he came into the light and my vision adjusted, the only term I could use to describe him was detached. He looked broken. “Ben?”

Closing the space between us, he was silent as he pulled me against his chest and wrapped his arms around me tightly. His chin rested on the top of my head and I felt his lungs shake as he took a deep breath. His whole body relaxed as soon as he exhaled, and warmth seemed to return to his every limb. It was as natural as breathing how my body curved in to his, nestling my face in his chest and wrapping my own arms around his waist.

“I have to go, Rey.”

The words rumbled in his chest; they shattered my heart instantly.

“Wait, no.”

Stepping back from the hug, I looked up to him in horror and my mind reeled. This hadn’t been our first time fighting, why would he leave now? This doesn’t make sense, he wouldn’t leave. Not after everything that happened, if only he would let me apologize –

“I have to go.”

Hastily, I tried to speak, “Wait, just let me-“

“No.”

My heart stopped and silence seemed to have fallen over the island.

“But, Ben, I-I don’t want this.”

“I have to go, Rey.  I’ll be back, I promise.” His hands slid from my lower back to my shoulders as he put space between us. My fingers clung to his tunic as I tried to close the distance.

“Ben, you don’t have to go. We can talk about this- “

“I have to go. I’ll be back, you won’t be alone. I’m always with you.” He lowered his face to mine and my breath hitched. _He told me he wouldn’t try to kiss me again, he wouldn’t-_ In the briefest of moments he kissed my cheek and was gone. Like a shadow, he slinked away and was at the stairs in the quickest of strides. His cloak was left in his place and I stumbled after him, “Ben!”

Desperately, I tried to follow. If only he would let me explain, if only he would give me another chance, if only I hadn’t let him earlier. I pushed against the force bond, but found his side sealed and solid. He was closing himself off of me.

It didn’t matter, he was gone and I was alone.

 

* * *

 

I didn’t try to hold back my dry sob as my boots hit the sand of the beach.

I swore to myself that I would never leave her side if I didn’t have to, but that did not make the parting any easier. The hours spent apart had been tortuous at best but I was resolved in what I needed to do. If I was lucky, it would only take a few days but the journey alone would take the rest of the evening. Emotionally, I was in tatters. Between the fight and the decision, I was feeling unhinged and turbulent. Leaving her was like ripping a part of my soul out of my body and leaving it in the cold air of Ach-To. I boarded my ship quickly, and prepared to leave the minuscule island as fast as my hands would go. The sooner I left, the sooner I could return to Rey. Devastation and doubt overcame me; could I really do this?

Regardless, this was my choice.

I loved her, I chose her.

My mind and body felt numb as I guided my ship back to the Finalizer for refueling. I was berated by messages when I passed through the ship’s security shields and dismissed them with a wave of my hand. Disembarking, several lieutenants were waiting. Speaking first, “My ship needs to be refueled. I will leave immediately once it is prepared and I need General Hux immediately.”

Stalking the halls brought me back to an instant bitterness where the darkness inside of me burned with joy. It feasted on the dynamic of the First Order. Surrounded by hundreds of people did nothing but stoke the feeling of isolation. General Hux emerged instantly and began his monotonous yet pompous report of another star system conquered but limited progress on the Resistance.

“Within the week is a reasonable time before we can final snuff out the vermin of the galaxy-“

A ship aid updated the status on my command shuttle to prepared for flight on the internal logs and I left immediately. General Hux followed in suit, still spewing his ruthless tirade and tired of his presence more quickly than usual. With a flick of the wrist, he went flying and I slouched into the ship bay.

The First Order was irrelevant.

 

* * *

 

The night had been long without him.

One night together had ruined me and that was plain to see. Opting to sleep in his larger cot didn’t help the overwhelming feeling of isolation. After desperately trying to get in touch with him through the force bond, I eventually fell in to an unrestful and fit filled sleep. I missed the weight of him.

When dawn came it didn’t matter that the Porg’s squawked loudly at each other or the clattering the natives were making, I was already awake and exhausted. Grumbling, I made my way down to the Millennium Falcon for my daily check in. While the sight of the nesting Porgs eased my mood for the slightest of moments, it wasn’t until Finn’s projected face was before that the reality of the situation of the settled in.

I had made Ben leave.

My lip wobbled for a moment before the tears began pouring down my face. Finn’s face fell from the excited smile to pure concern, “Rey? What’s wrong? What’s going on?”

He berated with questions of concern for a moment before I could compose myself enough to explain. I told him everything. I had not told him about inviting Ben to Ach-To and while the guilt over that omission was strong, the reality of my actions and the effects I had on Ben were stronger. Finn was quiet for a moment before huffing, “Bloody knew it.”

Attempting to wipe my face with my palm, “Knew what?”

“I knew Ben must’ve been with you, I didn’t like it but I knew it. You just seemed be holding it together too well for someone just deserted on a foreign planet. Rey, if he truly left you then he is a fool as well as an ass.”

Surprised, I could hardly wrap my head around the idea that Finn knew. “You thought Ben was here and you didn’t say anything?”

“I knew you would tell me eventually Scavenger.” Giving me a gentle smile, the world felt better for a moment. Finn was the truest of friends and unwavering in every shape or form which reminded me, “Wait, what do you mean truly left? I saw his command shuttle take off from the village and the force bond is silent.”

“Rey, no one leaves you and is unscathed. He will come back, regardless of what I want, but he said he would. I don’t think he’s ever lied to you.”

When I returned to the village, feeling mildly better knowing that Finn was the kindest of friends, several of the natives watched me. Stopping, I made eye contact with them and waited for them to make their point. To say I was still in an awful mood was an understatement. I didn’t understand their language, but it took several moments of watching them motion crudely that I understood what they were asking.

“Ben left. He’ll be back. One day.”

Days passed. Nights came and went. I slept very little and spent the majority of my days fishing, running through the movements Ben taught me and looking forward to my daily check in with Finn. The Resistance managed to find shelter but a large portion of its remaining member’s health seemed to be dwindling. I couldn’t know details for security reasons; but it’s not like I was even speaking to Ben.

In the dead of night, twice I had felt his guards lower while he was deep in sleep. With the rarity of sleeping he seemed to be getting, I didn’t want to wake him. The first had just been a flurry of colors but the second was surreal.

 _“Rey”_ he breathed in his dreams, I felt one of his hands sliding to my waist and the other to my cheek. Urgently he tilted my head, exposing my neck to his hot breath before his lips pressed to my jaw line.

_Oh!_

Shocked and startled, the bond snapped shut on the both of us and I shot out of his cot. Tugging on the nearest article of clothing I could find, I spent that night watching the sea creatures rolling at the surface of the waves and trying to catch my breath.  

On the fifth night of silence, a peace fell over me as I laid under Ben’s cloak from pure exhaustion. It was a blissful, dreamless sleep.

“Rey?”

The word was whispered, and a warm thumb traced my lips gently. _If only this was Ben –_ Reality set in harshly. Someone was touching me. My eyes snapped open and my instincts reeled as I was sitting up in a split second. It took a moment for my sight to adjust but an exhausted Ben was carefully crouched next to my bed.

“Ben!” I flung my arms around his neck and choked back the sob that was building my chest. Catching cleanly, he stood in surprise but wrapped his arms around my waist and supported my weight thoughtlessly. It took him a moment but he buried his face in to my neck and inhaled deeply. “Ben, Ben I’m so sorry-“

“Rey, don’t.”

His voice was curt, I noted a tone of panic and nervousness in it. _Did he think I was still mad?_ Of course, I wasn’t mad. I was the one who had screwed up and been pigheaded, I had pushed him to this. Going to continue to apologize, I didn’t even get a full breath in before he lowered me to my feet and stepped back. “Rey, please. Just wait.”

He reached behind himself and pulled a leather satchel from a top of one of the chests. Ben’s hands shook or a moment as he looked at the bag before looking back to meet my own.

“Ben – “

“Rey, please.”

Hesitating for a moment, eyes full of worry, he sank to one knee and raised the satchel to me. His head hung and my memory swam with the image of him kneeling before Snoke in the throne room. Confusion coursed through me and I stuttered, “B-Ben, I don’t understand – “

“For you, my family heirloom.”

His handles trembled as he raised the bag higher. I didn’t understand. Carefully, I pulled the bag from his hands and felt the mysterious weight of it. Something metal was in it. In the dark, it was impossible to see and when my hand encountered the item I lost my breath.

Pulling it out of the bag, my whole body shoot.

Configured in a new crossguard shape, Luke Skywalker’s blue light saber was newly soldered and repaired. The shape resembled Ben’s almost identically other than a massive repaired crack around the middle and two blue wires running the length of the handle. It was instinctual the igniting of the light saber, and seeing the blue blade crackling like fire.

 

“Ben, how did you do this? Why?”

Trembling, I looked back to Ben whose head remained low as he spoke.

“It’s for you. It’s technically mine to give and I’m giving it to you. Our vision of the future may be different, but I would do anything for you. We need each other, in some shape or form, and eventually we will compromise. But right now, we both can agree that you need to continue your training. I wanted a part of me to always be with you, regardless of who you may train with. You will never be alone again.”

Silence filled the tiny hut as Rey struggled to process what Ben just told her.

 

* * *

 

I had never been more nervous in my life then kneeling before Rey with the lightsaber I had barely succeeded in rebuilding. Covered in fresh burns and scars, I wanted nothing more then this stunning woman to accept my gift and forgive me for leaving her. It had stripped my soul to the bone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are close to being caught up! Let me know what you think!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Bloody hell!” Springing from the bed, she started scrambling to find her clothing. The sudden emptiness of my arms was startling. I must’ve looked confused when she glanced back at me because she began to explain, “I’m supposed to check in with Finn every morning at about this time on the Millennium Falcon.”
> 
> That made sense, I didn’t exactly enjoy the fact that she spoke with the storm trooper every day but it made sense.
> 
> Nodding, I dressed quickly beside her. As she reached the end of her dressing, she began trying to find her cloak. She must’ve been using mine while I was gone. Swelling with pride, I carefully pulled my cloak from the cot and offered it to her. Protesting at first with a set of gestures, I firmly stated, “I insist. Get going, I’ll meet you at the beach.”

Her voice trembled as she spoke, and yet I still could not find the courage to look at her.

“You made this for me?”

_Oh yes, my love._

“Yes.”

Rey flicked the lightsaber off and remained still for a moment before speaking. “How did you get the pieces? I left them on the Falcon.”

Retrieving the pieces had easily been the hardest part of reconstructing the lightsaber for her. I could’ve made her a brand new lightsaber easily, but it wouldn’t have meant nearly as much. It was broken because we weren’t ready to compromise and it was a piece of my family. It was symbolic. I knew that if this gesture was going to be significant enough that I would need to repair what we had broken. Stepping on to the Millennium Falcon was a rush of emotions that I could hardly hold the burden of, as I remembered the fondness my mother and father had for this ship. I drowned for several moments in feelings of sorrow and guilt before I remembered that this was for Rey.

“I retrieved them from the ship. It was… uncomfortable.”

She barely breathed on the words from her lips like they were thoughts slipping through the cracks, “Y-you… you went on the Millennium Falcon… to get the lightsaber… For me?” It was so quiet that I knew it wasn’t a question for me to answer but I feel obliged to speak.

“Rey, I-“

In one fluid motion she dropped the lightsaber on the cot behind her and caught my face in her hands. Stunned, I glanced up to look at her and saw a fiery expression on her face that could only be determination. Her grip tightened and she pulled me to my feet wordlessly. I was so confused; I had been trying to show her that I was giving this process up to her. That I could be patient.

That I would wait for her.

Rey’s eyebrows pulled together in concentration with the most serious of expressions. If she were to murder me, now would be the time. My face remained hung to her, inches from her own face as she studied me. “Ben, you built me a lightsaber.”

“Yes-“

Suddenly her lips were pressed gently against my own and my heart stopped beating. I was frozen against the contact, but only for a moment. Her lips were unsure touching mine, uneducated but clearly purposeful. _She wanted to kiss me._

The man inside of me roared to life.

But my mind held the beast back as the most beautiful woman in the galaxy’s courage seemed to fade and she released my face. Her eyes glittered with emotions, her composure lost, when I saw a fear settling in to her face. “Rey-“

“I’m sorry-“, her grip loosened on my face as the reality of what she just did set in.

_No, she wasn’t going to be sorry._

Instinctively my hands wrapped around her lower back and pulled her tiny frame against me. One palm raised and rested on her neck. I was no longer trembling in fear but on fire with emotions. Love. Lust. Her eyes widened as she tried to understand what I was feeling and process her own. I stopped myself barely an inch from her lips, my promise echoing in my mind that I would not push her boundaries again. Oh, how that promise made me rue the day.

“Don’t be sorry.”

It was instant that she was kissing me again and my breath hitched for a moment before I became truly alive. I returned her pressure with a gentle and coaxing firmness, encouraging her to respond to me. The silky texture of her lips when they began to experiment with returning my gentle touch earned a truly inhuman noise from myself.

I couldn’t contain myself.

My hand slid from her neck to her back, desperately trying to feel more square inches of skin of her against me. My fingers gripping the fabric of her tunic urgently. But I was not the only one effected it seemed. Her body arched in to mine, pushing the shape of her chest against my own, as her hands traveled to tangle in my hair.

_She was a goddess._

She broke away from me, struggling to breathe evenly. “Are you sure?” Her eyes were wide and excited and her lips were becoming plump and red.

“Absolutely.”

I didn’t shy away or stop myself now from gently kissing her again, but I did try to not lose myself completely. The image of her crying on the door step was enough to control my impulses. I would never push myself on to her again, but I would enjoy every inch of what she gave me. She returned my kiss with a bit more confidence now as her fingers tightened into the roots of my hair. Instincts seem to be taking over as she suddenly parted her lips and breathed deeply against me.

_Oh bloody hell._

 

* * *

 

_I was kissing Ben._

_Holy shit! I was kissing Ben!_

This whole thing was as foreign as it comes but completely natural at the same time. My heart was pounding in my ears in anxiety while my mind reeled with happiness. This was so awkward and amazing and new and I could hardly think. But I didn’t need to think, it was all instinctual. How to move against him, how to lace my fingers in his hair, how to breathe, how my mouth was supposed to react against his. Oh, and how wonderful it was beginning to feel.

Suddenly he stiffened and broke from our kiss. In a labored breath, “Rey, are you sure you are ok with this-“

_I was so much more then ok right now._

“because the last time I-“

“Yes, I’m ok-“

“Are you sure, because-“

Standing on my toes, the reconnection was a sweet relief. His surprise only lasted a moment before eagerly responding to my enthusiasm. Bending further down, he seemed to become increasing more annoyed by the height difference between us that was require for this particular level of making out. In a flash, he bent down and snagged the back of my thighs and my legs were suddenly wrapped around his waist.

“Oh!” The noise squeaked out of me in surprise, breaking our kiss for a moment. He chuckled, supporting my weight in effortless way that made me fiercely blush despite how busy I was at the particular moment. The new height gave me the ability to deepen the kiss, to experiment a little.  His tongue brushed my bottom lip and an involuntarily shudder ran down the length of my body.

This was complicated and so incredibly seducing.  

But we needed to slow down a little. As much as kissing him was the most amazing experience I had so far in my life, my head wouldn’t stop spinning and my body seemed to have no problem keeping things going. I pulled back to catch my breath and I caught Ben’s eyes flashing to mine. For the briefest second there was a tiny bit of annoyance in his expression that I had broken the kiss. But a sudden revelation sprung in his eyes and suddenly he was pressing his lips to my neck.

The sensation was indiscernible.

“Oh!” I couldn’t help it, at this point a side of me was emerging that I had never experienced before and it made noises. The feelings of his lips on the tender parts of my neck were enough to make me tremble. This needed to slow down. “Ben?”

He grumbled against my neck in response.

“Ben? Ben, we need to slow down.”

For a brief moment his lips paused in their relentless exploration as he considered this. With a deep sigh, he carefully turned and pulled the both of us on to the cot. How managed to never jostle me was unknown to myself, but I was carefully arranged on to his chest with my hands still tangled in his incredible hair. Propping an arm behind his head, his eyes burned with lust but a true smile grew on his lips.

“Getting to be too much for you?” Giving me a light squeeze with the arm that was wrapped my lower back.

_Oh, now he was going to be cocky._

“Seriously? You are such a-“

“A what?”

Rolling my eyes, I hid my face against his chest in my hands and tried to suppress the growing burn of my cheeks. He laughed openly and it was the most unique sound in the world. Hearty and pure. Ben was happy.

_Ben was happy._

I couldn’t help but glance up and see the joy that filled his every feature. My own smile grew and I tried my best to not be self-conscious for a moment. This was a moment that I wouldn’t mind lasting forever.

“Shall we call it a night, Rey?”

Nodding, I slid off his chest and moved out of his way so that he could get up. In a full travel ensemble, there was no way he could sleep in that. Ben gave me a small smile before standing up and kicking off his boots, as he went to pull his tunic off I turned away to give him so privacy.

Suddenly Ben was chuckling in my ear, “It’s nothing you haven’t seen before.”

My heart beat quickened as a blush rose to my cheeks, “Still, it’s a privacy thing.”

I could hear the smile in his voice, “Oh, ok.” He kissed me lightly on the cheek and several moments later his arms wrapped around my waist as he pulled me back under his cloak. Hugging me to his chest, he breathed deeply before whispering, “Thank you, Rey.”

Surprised, “For what?”

“For accepting my gift, for letting me comeback.”

“Thank you for coming back.”

It was quiet for a moment, before I felt him nuzzle his face into the crook of my neck. “Thank you, Rey.”

“Thank you, Ben.”

 

* * *

 

Waking up with Rey in my arms again was the sweetest relief, the sweetest reward.

How I had ever managed to go to sleep with knowledge that I had truly not destroyed everything by leaving her alone and that she would actually allow me to kiss he was beyond me. She was the most gracious, surprising, lovely and sexy person in any galaxy and somehow my fool of a self was the one that got to hold her through the night. The level of anxiety that I had the moment before I had woken her was only trumped by the level of happiness I was when she fell asleep in my arms.

_Rey was the center of my world._

I was fortunate enough that I was going to get to wake her up this time. Living a life as a scavenger had made her complete morning person who rose with the sun, so the fact that she somehow was still in a deep sleep despite the sun streaming in was humorous.

Gently, I pressed my lips to her neck and waited to see if she would react like last night. To my greatest pleasure, she did. Her eyes popped open, and she jumped a little with a tiny, “Oh!” Throughout the night, we had remained tangled in the most amazing of cuddled positions with her using my arm as a pillow.  

“Ben.” She breathed as her eyes adjusted, and a smile spread across her face. I smiled and greeted her a soft kiss, trying not to surprise her this time.  It was almost too heavenly that I could just kiss her now.

Rey smiled at me as she pulled away, dazed for a moment, before she glanced around the hut and realized the time. “Oh shoot, what time is it?”

“Sunrise was quite a bit of a while ago.”

“Bloody hell!” Springing from the bed, she started scrambling to find her clothing. The sudden emptiness of my arms was startling. I must’ve looked confused when she glanced back at me because she began to explain, “I’m supposed to check in with Finn every morning at about this time on the Millennium Falcon.”

_That made sense, I didn’t exactly enjoy the fact that she spoke with the storm trooper every day but it made sense._

Nodding, I dressed quickly beside her. As she reached the end of her dressing, she began trying to find her cloak. _She must’ve been using mine while I was gone._ Swelling with pride, I carefully pulled my cloak from the cot and offered it to her. Protesting at first with a set of gestures, I firmly stated, “I insist. Get going, I’ll meet you at the beach.”

Her eyes widened at this motion, I don’t think she had processed at this point that I would give her anything in the galaxy. A cloak was the smallest of tokens. But I was the one surprised when Rey suddenly had a hand on my cheek and pressing the sweetest of kisses to my lips. The man inside of me sprung to life again and I fought to keep myself from dragging her back to the cot. This time to be a little more adventurous.

With a laugh she broke the kiss and backed towards the door with a mischievous smile. “I’ll see you on the beach.” She breathed before slipping out the door.

_This was bliss._

I took my time getting dressed for several reasons. I had checked in the First Order when I had first landed on Ach-To late last night. The chance of any real development was incredibly unlikely, and I did not particularly want to stand around waiting for her on that wretched beach.

Nonetheless, I enjoyed the brisk morning air of this planet as I made my way down the winding staircase. It wasn’t until I was almost to the end of the stairs that the force bond ruptured open and pure devastation overcame me. Rey was sobbing.

_No! No, this can’t be true!_

“Rey!”

I sprinted head long to the Millennium Falcon, still a hundred yards between me and it, when her sob became audible. Heart break, disbelief and misery poured from her side of the bond.

She was inconsolable.

Not for a moment did I hesitate boarding the Falcon. Rey was hurting, nothing would stop me. I paused for the briefest moment in the hallway as I tried to deduce where she was. Her cry turned me towards the lounge where I burst in to the room. My hands shook, as I had one hand on my lightsaber, as I scanned the room for an attacker.

But there was no one but my sobbing Rey, tears pouring from her eyes, and a hologrammed Finn with a steady stream of tears coming from his own.

“Rey?” My feet carried me across the space in two strides and I was on my knees before her with my hands trying to wipe away the tears in an instant. “Rey, what’s wrong?”

Her hazel eyes swelled with tears once again, and a broken sob came from deep within. Her own shaky palm pressed to my face as her words came out like broken glass.

“B-Ben, I’m s-so sorry. Your mom is g-gone.”

The world stopped.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I couldn’t breathe.
> 
> Leia was gone.
> 
> My mom was gone.
> 
> The coldest ice pulsed through my veins as the reality of knowing my mom was gone settled in. My father’s death was different; I had chosen it. I was ready for it. As wrong and conflicted as I felt about losing my father, it could’ve never prepared me for losing my mom. She was never supposed to be my past.
> 
> Every memory I had with her was just that now, a memory.

I didn’t want them to, but the words registered immediately.

I watched a man, so full of concern for me become void of all emotions. The color drained from his face as he stared at me unblinking. Coldness fill each crevice of his features as he began to tremble. Ben’s eyes became hollow and frozen as I watched darkness creep from his soul.

“Ben? I’m sorry, are you ok?”

Catching his hand that was statuesque against my cheek, I squeezed it as my own tears began to pour. My question fell on empty ears. I tried to squeeze his hand again and pressed my palm to his cheek, surprised by how cold he felt to the touch. This is not the way I would’ve wanted him to learn this.

“Ben? I’m so sorry – “

Stopping short as I watched a single tear roll from his eyes and fall against my hand. My own pain paled in comparison as I watched reality create havoc on his mind.

_Oh, Ben. Ben, I am so sorry._

It was like something snapped from within me. Ben had just lost his mother, my own mourning needed to pause for a moment. My own grief over the loss of Leia was nothing in comparison to my overwhelming concern for Ben and my compassion for his crippling pain. I wanted him to be ok, I needed him to be ok. He deserved the same protection he had offered me moments prior to breaking the news. He was a man who just lost his mother.

“Rey, is Kylo Ren there?” Finn’s concerned and suddenly guarded voice came over the hologram mic, but I could’ve cared less. Moving carefully, to not startle him, I lowered myself to my knees and quietly stroked his cheek as I tried to measure his pain. _What did he need? Was there anything I could do?_

 _  
_Suddenly his lower lip began to wobble and his breathe hitched in his throat.

A genuine soft sob rose from his chest and I couldn’t wrap my arms around him fast enough. Pulling his face to my shoulder, I tried to wrap as much of myself around him as I could. He shook through each sob as I rubbed small circles into his back. “It’s going to be ok, it’s going to be ok.”

I don’t know how many times I said it, but I would’ve said it for the rest of my life to make sure he was ok.

In an instant, he stopped crying. His crumpled body went rigid like a bolt of lightning ran through him and he carefully began peeling my limbs off. _I don’t understand._ His head was hung low for a moment when he finally extracted himself. When Ben finally raised his eyes, I choked on the sob that swelled from me. His eyes were blood shot and swollen and his scar was burning red with irritation from the tears.

“How is she gone? I-I thought she had escaped Crait.”

 _Oh, how was I going to explain this?_ But before I could even attempt, Finn spoke for me.

“She had internal bleeding from the attack on the Raddus ship and the recovery pod we have wasn’t advanced enough to handle the severity of the wounds.” Finn’s voice broke, and I tore my eyes away from Ben for a moment to look at him. His face was hard with disappointment and grief. “Our medics suspect she was using the force to support herself to remain conscious during the escape. There was nothing we could’ve done…”

Ben struggled with this for a moment, saying nothing but his eyes showed his pain blatantly. Never looking away from his lap, he quietly spoke, “Thank you, Finn.”

Finn didn’t respond, but at the corner of my vision I could see his startled expression. Ben carefully touched my hand for a moment before looking me in the eyes. I must’ve looked confused because he spoke kindly even though his voice wavered.

“Rey, I need to be alone. I’m sor-“

“Don’t be, don’t be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Slowly he rose to his feet, and only then did I notice how his hands were still trembling even though his face looked carefully arranged.

 

* * *

 

I couldn’t breathe.

Leia was gone.

My mom was gone.

The coldest ice pulsed through my veins as the reality of knowing my mom was gone settled in. My father’s death was different; I had chosen it. I was ready for it. As wrong and conflicted as I felt about losing my father, it could’ve never prepared me for losing my mom. She was never supposed to be my past.

Every memory I had with her was just that now, a memory.

There was no opportunity to ever talk to her again. She would never know the truth about what happened at the Jedi academy.  I was never going to be her son again. She would never snark at some cocky pilot and turn to wink at me again. I was never going to sit with her as we waited for Han to return. She would never tug at my hair again and beg me to get it cut. I was never going to be able to ask her advice for Rey.

I didn’t make it very far before the physical weight of it all took me down to my knees.

I was always going to be her child that failed her. I was never going to have the opportunity to redeem myself in her eyes. Desperately, in an act of denial, I reached out for her in the Force but for first time in my life she was not there.

She had always pushed back since I was a child. As a young padawan, just weeks after I had left to train with Luke, I had woken each night with the worst nightmares. Night terrors that a child was not equipped to handle alone and my imaginary friend could not handle by herself. No matter the time, or the space between us she would always respond.

_Ben, it’s just a nightmare. You are okay, no one will hurt you. I love you. Try to go back to sleep, ok? For me?_

Her words could soothe any wound. I would always remember her voice.

My breath hitched and I let the sob come forth for once by myself. I had been able to cry for the first time since I was a child in the arms of Rey and it had broken my will power against the act. I don’t know how long I sobbed, but I drowned in the emotions for a long time.

Eventually, I couldn’t cry anymore.

Rising from the waters of devastation, I let the mental switch flip and the pain numb internally.

My face ached, but I ignored it as I tried to get a grasp on my head and surroundings. I seemed to have traveled to one of the many cliffs this island seemed so ironically fond of. The sun was setting. _It’s evening, Rey must be concerned._ I hadn’t planned on taking this long to mourn, I had always been good at compartmentalizing my emotions. Pushing myself up from the ground, my muscles shook from fatigue and exhaustion, it was difficult to steady my feet under myself for a moment. Leaning heavily on nearby boulder, the notion Rey might be worried about me at this point was enough to get me moving quickly.

Rey had lost her too, she didn’t deserve to have to mourn for Leia and worry about me.

It took me longer then I would’ve liked to retrace my steps back to the village. I was weak and detached.

Pushing the steal door aside, it took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the dark hut. _Rey wasn’t here. Where could she be?_ Hadn’t we agreed to meet here after I left? Rey wasn’t one to not come when I needed her. For the briefest moment, I remembered the rush of emotions I had when her pod had landed on the Supremacy. Rey had come running to me that moment that she thought I needed her and she was stunning. Her eyes were full of excitement and anticipation when she saw me with no grasp on the repercussions that would follow her stunt. Snoke was a collector, particularly a collector of power and I had always assumed that he would want to collect her as well. We were a pair of the most powerful, Force-sensitive beings in the galaxy. But the moment the Supreme Leader began to speak, a coldness settled in my heart.

He didn’t want her; he couldn’t see her potential as I could.

Rey’s arrival forced my hand and left my options limited. My only choices were to murder Snoke and forsake my master or murder the only person who had made me feel safe since I was a boy. Looking in to her eyes, I had realized something that I had always known but never acknowledged in that moment.

Rey is home.

Devastation still coursed through my veins but I knew the only way to make this pain bearable was to find her. Rey is home. I was too emotionally compromised to even attempt opening the Force bond, so instead I checked the village for signs of her. Not even so much as a smoking coal from the fire indicated that she had been here at all today. _Could she still be on the Falcon?_

The walk to the beach was mindless and cold. When taking the final staircase, I was able to spot lights on inside the Falcon. Confusion knocked me out my stupor for a moment. _Why would Rey still be here?_

Everything rubbed me wrong walking upon the Millennium Falcon again. My parent’s ship for lack of better words. The pain was fresh and scalding and I rushed to suppress the emotion. Swallowing hard, I called out, “Rey, weren’t we suppose to meet back-“

Turning the corner, I came upon a terrifying sight. One that I had only seen back in the woods.

An enraged Rey. Her eyes were murderous, brow furrowed and hands clenching the metal rim of the table as she snarled at the hologram in front of her.

“This bloody, fucking ridiculous Poe and you know it-“

“It’s out of the question!”

“Your right, it’s absolutely out of the question that you would dare to think to exclude him-“

“Rey, this is non-negotiable and that’s an order. This is about security!”

“Security my ass! It’s his mom! His fucking mom!”

Poe huffed loudly and swore back at her, “You are out of your fucking mind! He’s clearly-“

_No one was going to speak to a woman, let alone Rey, like this._

“Enough.” The tone in which this word ripped from me would’ve brought troops to their knees with the weight of authority that was in it. Rey’s head snapped over to me, finally registering my presence in the room, and her face fell. A portion of her terrifying anger washed away and was replaced by a flurry of emotions ranging between sorrow and concern. “Ben.” Instinctually her hand raised to me with its palm up.

No matter how broken my heart and head were, Rey would always be the thread that could stitch my jagged pieces back together. Rey is home.

In three strides I had closed the space between us and was my hand was in hers. Warmth started in our fingers and slowly began to climb through me as I relished in how much easier it was to breathe again. This was a day in which my soul splintered into a thousand more pieces but having Rey here made it livable. I could survive by her side.

Even if she was having an all-out brawl with a Resistance Fighter.

“Rey, what is going on?”

 

* * *

 

Ben’s fingers laced softly with my own and my head stopped spinning for a moment. The damage that today had done to him was evident in the dark circles under his eyes, but somehow his prominent feature was the tight line his mouth was in. He looked to be on alert as his eyes lingered on my face.

_I have no clue how he is strong, how he could possibly be functioning right now._

Regardless of how well he seemed to be doing, I absolutely had to protect him from this conversation with Poe. I glanced over to the hot headed pilot and shot him glare.

“It’s nothing.”

Poe scoffed, “You are damn right it’s nothing – “

“You will not speak to a woman like that in front of me, rebel.” Ben snapped at him in such a sharp tone that Poe gulped. The steady glare and raw attitude that was emitting from him as he stared Poe down was intense.

“Ben- “

He squeezed my fingers to cut me off and took a deep breath while never looking away from the newly minted General. “Rey, he would’ve never spoken to my mother like that. You deserve the same respect that she had, regardless of how stubborn you are being.”

_I object to that!_

“Hey, I’m not stubborn-”

Both men scoffed in unison and for the briefest moment each relaxed. Poe shook his head and sighed, “Listen, it’s my job to protect the Resistance moving forward and bringing Kylo Ren to her funeral is putting everyone at jeopardy. He is responsible for the murder of so many of my friends and family. This isn’t a simple decision.”

The words were like a blaster shot to the chest for Ben. Immediately he ducked his head and his lower lip wobbled before his eyes began to blaze with fury. Squeezing his hand, I tried to pull him closer to me and snap him out of it for a minute. He was statuesque to my tugging. Carefully, I pushed out through the Force bond to try to reach him.

His mind was plethora of broken emotions.

_Ben?_

Straightening immediately, he looked over at me confused as to if I had just spoken.

_Ben, you can’t lose it right now._

If his mind could cry, he was sobbing as he spoke. _I understand my relationship with the First Order is making this-_

_You just can’t lose your temper, ok? Not right now, First Order or not._

Squaring my shoulders, I looked at Poe and tried my best to control my own temper for once. “This is his mother. This was the last living member of his family and he has every right to be there. I understand why this is a security problem which is why we will work with you to make this a comfortable situation for everyone. We can be the last ones to arrive, so you can have extra security measure prepared, and the first ones to leave. Or whatever you may think is a better compromise, but he deserves to be there. No one should be denied the right to say their goodbyes to their parents.”

My words hung in the air and I watched Poe struggle with my rationale.

_Thank you, Rey._

_Don’t thank me yet._

A moment past while Poe mulled things over before finally nodding slowly. He had made his decision and as pilot by nature he never wavered once he committed to a decision. With a confident resolve he spoke, “Ok, Rey. I have no idea how I’m going to pull this off but Kylo Ren can come to the funeral. You guys will be the last ones to arrive and the first to leave. I will arrange a guard and security detail that he will remain with the entire time. I expect you to be with him at all times. Finn vouched for Kylo Ren as well earlier today, so he will join the guard as well.”

Shock rippled over the Force bond as Ben spoke, _Finn vouched for me?_

_I’ll explain later._

“Thank you Poe, this is the right decision.”

“I hope it is. I’ll have Finn send you the coordinates and times in a few moments. I will hold you personally responsible if this goes poorly.” The hologram ceased immediately and I could finally breathe again. There was no bloody way I wasn’t getting Ben to that funeral, even if he didn’t want to go, he was absolutely going to the have the choice to be there if he wanted to.

He took a shaky breath and I did too.

While one mountain had been moved, the weight of the world did not leave my shoulders as I looked at our entangled hands. Ben, who was one of the most emotionally strong and capable people I had met in my entire life, was somehow standing despite being so obviously injured.

“Ben, are you ok?”

Abruptly, I was in his arms as he pressed my shape in to his and bowed his neck to press his mouth to my shoulder. Gingerly, I wrapped my own arms around his waist and waited for him to answer me. His lungs shook.

“No,” He murmured, “I’m not ok.”

His truthfulness brought my own pain to the surface of my heart and I struggled with my heartbreak. Leia had been nothing but one of the most reliable, determined, wise and inspirational women I had ever met. The fact that she was gone was more then I was ready to accept – but this was not about me right now.

Before I could wipe away tears that had fallen, he spoke again, “Could we go to bed, Rey? Please? I just… I just need to get to tomorrow.”

“Of course.” Quickly, I dried my face on his tunic before he could see and took his hand in one motion. They still trembled. A body isn’t able to cry for so long without repercussions and his shaky hands were nothing compared to the abuse his eyes had sustained.

Chewing my lip, I lightly guided Ben out of the Falcon and towards the village in silence. I couldn’t decide if I needed him to talk or if the quiet was easier. It startled me when he suddenly spoke as we climbed, “What happened with Finn?”

_Oh, how in the hell was I going to explain this._

“Oh, well, Finn happened to be the one who told me the news this morning and I stupidly did not end the communication before I told you. It seems like he, um, saw your response to the news and he relayed your reaction to Poe. I had spent most of the day trying to convince anyone who would listen that you deserved to go to her funeral if you wanted to. Finn just happened to agree.”

“Relayed my reaction?” Saying each word like it was a question in it of itself.

“Well,” I tried desperately to think how to say this without embarrassing an already beaten man as we passed the caretakers upon entering the village, “he discussed how you actually seemed upset and distraught.”

He didn’t speak as he pulled the hut door open for me to pass through first. Without the force bond, I could practically hear his gears turning in his own head as he tried to not overreact. “Unlike with my father?”

I stopped breathing.

“I guess you could say that.”

“That was generous of him, particularly in a time of mourning.”

Unable to look at him, I nodded and began to get ready for bed. I choked back my urge to cry again for Leia, just as I had done since I had told Ben that she was gone. Pulling Ben’s cloak off of my shoulders as I kicked my boots away, I was about to chew a hole through my lip when suddenly his hand was on the small of my back.

 

* * *

 

“Rey?”

My voice gave away how worried I was in this moment. She froze briefly before turning to look up at me with her own stressed expression.

_Was she hurting, like I am?_

“Rey, you are allowed to be upset too. You know that right?”

I couldn’t help it, but my hands rose to cup her face as I spoke and as soon as the words landed her eyes began to swell. “No, no it’s not fair for me to be upset right now-“ I shook my head furiously at her but she started on a rant, “-you just lost your mom. I knew Leia for a few weeks? It’s not my turn, it’s not my right. Your pain is far more than anything I’m rightfully justified to have-“

My reflexes acted faster than my mind could as I kissed her gently. I had to stop the madness. The kiss breathed light into my heart for the first time in this wretched day. Sweet and simple. The purest form of love I could possibly give her in her utterly unfounded panic. It almost hurt to break the moment as her my hands held her silk face between them and her own fingers were trailing their way up my neck.

“Rey, I promised you that you were not alone and I will never let you feel alone. Even feeling alone in your pain. You are allowed to mourn her too; you know that right?”

Her eyes shined with emotion before the tears began to pour and a sob caught in her throat, “Ben, you just lost your mom –“

“And you just lost one of the few women in your life to look up to. That’s a loss too. She’s my mom, but she touched other’s lives. I don’t get a monopoly on pain, Rey. Please, trust me enough to let me be there for you.”

My words registered and before she even caught her full breath to cry, I had her crushed tightly to my chest as I pulled us to the cot. My bloodshot eyes stung with tears as reality settled in again that my mom was gone. But this time I wasn’t going to mourn alone.

I was going to be able to support the most powerful and kind woman as we each grieved that night for the Princess that galaxy had just lost.

**Author's Note:**

> My goal is upload one of the existing chapters every day until AO3 is caught up with Tumblr. Then Tumblr will receive first update, so please feel free to follow me there as well as you can set up notifications. 
> 
> I am at: thegreyreylo.tumblr.com


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